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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28521102">'I love you' will never be enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazykawaaa/pseuds/lazykawaaa'>lazykawaaa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Childhood Sweethearts, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erwin Smith/reader - Freeform, Erwin/Reader - Freeform, F/M, First Love, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, I love you Erwin, My First Fanfic, Not Beta Read, POV First Person, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Reader-Insert, Romance, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, Soulmates, True Love, Trust Issues, erwin &amp; reader - Freeform, erwin x reader - Freeform, i dont know where im going with this, very lowkey eating disorder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:26:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28521102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazykawaaa/pseuds/lazykawaaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Your earliest memories all have <em>him</em> woven within the threads, basked in the aroma of lavender and sandalwood. Neither of you dared to leave the other’s side, as if you were trying to make up for the single year he spent alone before you were born. Flashes of sandy hair, and a smile that always seemed more natural when looking at you, are ingrained deep within your consciousness. Being neighbors certainly contributed to your close bond, but part of you knows that even if that weren’t the case, there was no measure of distance that could keep you two apart. Neither of you knew of a life without the other and that idea seemed entirely unfathomable. Each of you took on the task of learning how to live fearlessly, knowing you had the other to fall back on. As soon as one of you learned something, you could instantly be found teaching it to the other. Both of you shared the mindset of there being no point in doing something if it couldn't be done together. So each of you held the unspoken vow of, what’s mine is yours and what's yours is mine. And no, there was no fine print stating that the heart was an exception.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Erwin Smith &amp; Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. where it all began</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is my first fanfic so who knows how this will end up. there isn't a lot of reader/Erwin Smith fics on here and i love this man so much it hurts so this had to be done. feel free to leave kudos though :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was bidding the last of his farewell for the evening as your body melted into the soft verdant plush beneath you. Goosebumps were rising as the ryegrass was swept from the breeze and tickled along your side. Above you was a display full of amber and pumpkin. No ounce of impatience can be found, as you know the navy canvas full of diamonds is on its inevitable journey. So you relish in the vibrant presence while you can, pools of its pigment swimming in the reflection across your eyes. Water skips and dances against stones as the cicadas begin their endless chatter for the season. As your mind begins to notice a missing element to the song, a slight shift besides you interrupts the thought. You let your head fall to press your cheek into the fabric that separates you from the earth. Your gaze is reunited with a pair of arctic blue orbs. An instinctive smile spreads easily along your face to accompany the softer, but equally adoring grin across from you. The canaries join the sonata.</p>
<p>Your earliest memories all have <em>him</em> woven within the threads, basked in the aroma of lavender and sandalwood. Neither of you dared to leave the other’s side, as if you were trying to make up for the single year he spent alone before you were born. Flashes of sandy hair, and a smile that always seemed more natural when looking at you, are ingrained deep within your consciousness. Being neighbors certainly contributed to your close bond, but part of you knows that even if that weren’t the case, there was no measure of distance that could keep you two apart. Neither of you knew of a life without the other and that idea seemed entirely unfathomable. Each of you took on the task of learning how to live fearlessly, knowing you had the other to fall back on. As soon as one of you learned something, you could instantly be found teaching it to the other. Both of you shared the mindset of there being no point in doing something if it couldn't be done together. So each of you held the unspoken vow of, what’s mine is yours and what's yours is mine. And no, there was no fine print stating that the heart was an exception. </p>
<p>Erwin was born with an old soul. He never cried as a baby and he never went through a rebellious teenage phase. It was as if he had already lived a hundred lives to know better than to waste away with such inessential emotions. He was a quiet being, but he was always just so <em>genuine</em>. Full of gentle smiles and thoughtful acts, there wasn’t a single person in the village who didn’t know of Erwin and his inability to not help someone. Whether it was unloading bags of flour into Mr. Amell’s bakery or planting tulips with Mrs. Iris, no one was safe from Erwin’s kindness. In the brief instances he didn’t spend aiding someone, you could always find him under the big willow tree by the lake with a book in his lap. Countless days were spent here with him by your side, laid out on the old forest green quilt his mother made. You would ask him to read whatever novel he was fixated on at the time out loud to you. His velvet voice put you in a trance-like state that gave all your hopes and dreams a run for their money. <em>This</em> was what you would later realize as living.</p>
<p>You, on the other hand, were a whirlwind of a woman, and the whiplash Erwin endured from being wrapped around your finger should have been enough to have spun his whole head off years ago. You were brimming with passion and curiosity, as if you wanted to milk the world of every last drop it had to offer. While no one was left untouched by Erwin’s goodwill, there certainly wasn't a soul who hadn’t become addicted to your presence. You had a way with people that made even strangers feel like they’ve known you all their lives. It’s like everyone you saw had a gauge over their heads indicating exactly how they needed to be treated because you always just seemed to know. You felt so deeply and so honestly, as you had yet to learn why anyone would bother holding back. You were carefree, but not in a reckless manner, more like you just trusted the universe to guide you in the right direction. Besides, you had Erwin and with him, nothing could ever be <em>that</em> bad.</p>
<p>Erwin’s loyalty to you started from the moment he laid eyes on you. He couldn’t care less about what anyone would assume a one year old is capable of knowing or feeling. He knew you were born to be by his side for all eternity and that belief etched itself within every crevice of his being. Something in the stars collided the day you were born and out came a Goddess crafted from Aphrodite herself. He always liked to believe you were created specifically for him. This idea only solidified after his mother’s passing when he was four. Nobody tried to tell him that no, you weren’t an angel sent down to keep his heart from shattering because honestly, it wasn’t that unbelievable.</p>
<p>When Erwin was busy, you could often be found at the orphanage or the kindergarten school reading to the children. You had a natural motherly instinct that proved particularly useful in your village. Nobody hesitated to ask you to babysit when needed and you never hesitated to accept. Caring for others came as easy to you as breathing. The children all adored you just as much as their parents. Together, you and Erwin made up the heart and soul of the community and everyone loved each day in immense gratitude towards you both.</p>
<p>The village was a tight-knit community where everybody knew everybody. The elders watched you and Erwin grow up, and all of them would agree if asked, that you two were absolutely, positively, magnetic. Drawn to each other by some unseeable force, needing each other to satisfy the inner turmoil that bubbled within both of you when separated. It seemed like the people you were apart were completely different than when you were together. Because the way both of you looked when you saw each other, could make others question whether or not they were looking at the same person. You were never really <em>you</em> unless you were with Erwin, and vice versa. Spending time apart seemed to physically exhaust you without you consciously realizing it and on busy days, a rushed embrace or a peck on the cheek would recharge you until you could finally be together again. It wouldn’t be far-fetched to say you weren’t designed to be apart and in reality, nobody who knew you both wanted to see it so. Being able to observe you two together was a privilege to anyone fortunate enough. Nothing but pure devotion and affection poured out of your being and it was more than enough to drown out anyone nearby. Something inside each of you became complete with the other’s presence. The entire village could survive even the harshest winter by bathing in the warmth that radiated off from you two sharing a space.</p>
<p>The one thing about Erwin was, he didn’t harvest a single violent bone in his body. Physically, there were only a handful of men in the village who could rival him, but he avoided confrontation whenever he could. In the instances he couldn’t, his presence was enough to stop any further escalation. He had an aura about him that demanded respect. He held himself, not in arrogance, but in the way that just gave everyone the impression that he was meant for greater things. The way his stride was always calculated and full of purpose, as if each step was bringing him closer to victory. The way he never hesitated. The way his voice never wavered. The way he looked at everyone like they were a piece to the puzzle in his mind. It all sent anyone in their right mind running for the hills. </p>
<p>But of course, there are those who aren’t in their right mind. Those whose upbringings lead them to become fueled by rage and anger. Those who drown out all their hurt with hatred. Those who go about the world as if it is their mission to wreak havoc upon the land that harbored their unfortunate lives. And one day, in what could only be from the fallout of a blackhole tearing apart the cosmos, you became a victim of their destruction. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. living</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Erwin was always the more responsible one. His mind was constantly thinking, weighing the pros and cons of every scenario before the encounter. Alone, you could think in a similar manner, but with Erwin you could relax and live a little more freely. In him you found solitude, support, comfort. Things you so desperately wanted but could never have unless you were with him. He was intoxicating and mesmerizing to you in every. single. way. How he could be so gentle but have a presence so strong. How determination never left his eyes and how he never looked anywhere but forward. Just watching him left you drunk off his existence.</p>
<p><em>Everything</em> was different with him and he was the exception to every last one of your rules. So with him you let yourself fly free, because Erwin was always the anchor to ground you when needed. The guard you held between you and everyone else crumbled in his presence. He secretly took pride in knowing he was the only one to see you live in such a manner. And in his opinion, this was how you should always be living. Smiling non-stop at absolutely nothing, letting yourself be entertained by whatever was around you, laughing without hesitation or even much thought. Just enjoying life for exactly how it is and loving it. Whether or not he knew was unclear, but the only reason you loved life so much in these moments was because Erwin was living in it, with you. And that was more than enough to make you eternally grateful towards the planet that harbored the person who held your heart as one with his own.</p>
<p>No matter what he would later blame himself for, it was never Erwin’s fault. It was you and your puppy dog eyes that nobody stood a chance against. The curiosity that was burning off of you that day was something he longed to see again. All Erwin dared to ask of the world was to let you be happy. Because he was the only person who saw the slips. The moments when something tugged at your endlessly giving heart. It only happened a handful of times, but it was enough to put a crack in his soul and make it his life mission to ensure your happiness.</p><p>There was rarely a definite reason, but he always noticed how at seemingly random moments you became just a few degrees colder to someone you were interacting with. Not enough for them to notice, since you would skillfully steer the conversation in a more comfortable direction, but just enough for only him to pick up on. Because you understood people <em>so</em> well, probably too well, and with that you understood how powerful emotions really are. Sometimes, in situations like these, it scared you to get too close to people. Nobody suspected you of anything though. You were so incredibly good at giving people just enough to make them feel comfortable with you without making yourself vulnerable. Without them realizing, the majority of your conversations revolved around them. And you were you. Beautiful, charming, bright, and ever so caring. So suspicions never occurred and it was only Erwin you confided in with this feeling that gnawed at you. He helped you cope and eventually, it stopped altogether. It became just another thing to add to the list of reasons why you couldn’t live without this man. Foolish, really, for you to assume that just because it stopped, that it meant it could never start again. Because it was merely a tsunami behind a dam, and it was only a matter of time.</p>
<p>You begged Erwin to come with you to the neighboring town. Neither of you had ever left your village before and at seventeen, your eagerness had finally reached its capacity. <em>I should've known better</em>, but no one could have predicted what happened. Still, he welcomed the grief, the suffering, the self-hatred. He had nothing left to give and no one else to protect. <em>I couldn't save her<em>. Everything to him was in retrospect to you. The lilies that grew along the walkway in front of his house weren’t lilies. To him, they were <em>your</em> favorite flower. It wasn’t just the young boy across the street, it was the boy <em>you</em> used to tutor. It wasn’t just the neighborhood cat, it was Winnie, the tabby <em>you</em> named after him just to make him laugh. He saw life through a lens of you that made everything worthwhile.</em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>And now, he was forced to look at the world for how it really is, without you. And he suddenly realizes how awful it truly is. The world he once thanked the heavens for since it was inhabited by you is now the same planet he wishes would burn to ashes. While it once was a place you lived and breathed upon, now it’s the place where he held you in his arms as you bled out. The same place where two thieves picked that fateful day to pull you into that alley. The same place you gave them everything you had because you would never risk not being able to see Erwin again. The same place where that didn't matter, because as soon as they saw Erwin round the corner, one of them drove the knife into your stomach before fleeing anyways. The same place where you begged Erwin to leave because they were only getting backup to take on Erwin too. The same place Erwin listened to you, and the same place he glanced over his shoulder one last time to see you lying in a pool of scarlet. Even though he was forced to continue walking the earth for the years to come, he really died that day with you.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Torture. That was what existing became to you. Spending each day just hoping that something or someone would come and end the cycle. But you forced yourself through it all, inhale after exhale, because you deserved it. How could you return to the village? After all that you’ve done. They’d never forgive you, in fact, they probably would wish it were you. And you would agree, because you are nothing, absolutely nothing, without him. He was at the very root of all your love, thoughts, and joy. To ask you to keep living without him is like ripping a petal off a flower and expecting it to grow. It won’t. It will wither and die. And that’s exactly what happened to you that day because while your body survived, your heart was the one left to bleed out. Lying cold and empty of all the warmth and love it used to harbor for the man with the sky in his eyes.</p><p>The moment the world stopped being a place where Erwin lived was the same moment this existence of yours stopped being a life. You would spend the rest of your days in agony as penance for your foolishness, and all of your nights apologizing to the Gods for taking away their golden child and begging them to let you reunite in the next lifetime. You didn’t deserve it, you knew that much, but it’s all you ever wanted, all you ever needed. They could put you both in the pits of hell among demons and devils and you still wouldn’t shed a single complaint. But that life is a daydream in comparison to this existence without him. You carried the weight of knowing <em>you killed him</em> each and every day. You tried to blame the thieves, as they were the ones to commit the act, but it was your mindlessness that got him killed and your heart wouldn’t let you deny that. He lived so vividly in your dreams every night that sometimes, you would almost let yourself pretend like it was all real. But it was like reaching out to ghosts, just wisps floating away as soon as you would try and hold onto them. Just the stardust of what used to be the galaxy of feelings you held for the sun.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you're confused, don't worry, that's intentional hehe. what do you guys think really happened?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. the price you pay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*3 years later*</p>
<p>With nothing left to lose, Erwin enlisted into the Survey Corps. While he was never one for violence, he had become numb to a lot of things since your death. He was untouchable, disassociated enough to make the tough calls no one else wanted to make. This, alongside his intelligence and strategizing abilities, let him fly up in the rankings. It was <em>something</em> he could give his life to (instead of someone) and it was almost enough. </p>
<p>You on the other hand, were out on your own, doing god knows what. Reckless, uncaring, and just about everything you used to never be.</p>
<p>*Flashback*</p>
<p>Peeling your eyes open from the layer of dried tears, you were met with an unfamiliar face. As you let your eyes adjust, you began to take in the figure in front of you. Aged skin, revealing a past full of sunlight and smiles. Wrinkles around the edges of a woman’s eyes and mouth. Gray and white streaked hair pull into a loose side braid. Her crescent shaped eyes looked back at you, and you believed that if they could, they would reach out and wrap you in warmth and comfort. As you tried to speak you were met with a coughing fit from the desert that had become your throat. With two unsteady hands, the woman grabbed the glass of water from the nightstand next to you. She held it out to you and said nothing, the slight smile on her face never leaving. When you finally recovered you asked.</p>
<p>“Where am I?”</p>
<p>The more you let your eyes wander the less you recognize your surroundings. Before your confusion could spiral, the woman delicately grabbed one of your hands with both of hers to get your attention. It was only now that you remember she never answered your question. She took one hand off of yours to then point to her own ears and shake her head. After a few quizzical moments, it finally came to you and you nodded in understanding. The woman was deaf. She pointed towards your stomach and you lifted your shirt to see that your torso was wrapped in white bandages. You looked to her for confirmation and her small smile grew a little wider. You thanked her and she seemed to understand. She pointed towards your mouth and then back to hers to mouth a few words. She then pointed to her eyes and then back towards your mouth, and again you nodded. The plethora of questions you had on the tip of your tongue dissipated and instead, you began to swing your legs over the side of the bed you were in. She helped you out as much as she could and when you stood at full height, you realized that she was still a few inches shorter than you. </p>
<p>After looking around and asking the few questions you knew you could easily communicate, you knew enough to settle your anxiety. The woman, Francis, had a cat who came to her in distress after finding you. She followed the cat out to the alley where your body was abandoned, which happened to be right around the corner from her house. The area she lived in was a poorer part of the town, just an area used to pass between the villages, so there was hardly anybody else around. She managed to drag you into her house where she then took care of your wounds. Just by the looks of her, you would have never expected someone of her caliber to be able to drag you, even with your small size and the short distance. But you came to learn that Francis has lived on her own for the majority of her life, so she is clearly more capable than her appearance lets on. </p>
<p>You stayed with her for two days to allow your wounds to heal. The blood loss had left your memory strained, you had no recollection of the events that led to your attack. While your mind was left in a scrambled mess, amidst it all stood the single thing you have always known to be important, <em>Erwin</em>. Much to your dismay, you were in no condition to run around in hysteria looking for him like you wanted to. So you waited, and the unknowing part of you assumed that Erwin was looking for you. You sat there so naively calm, thinking he was on his way. In this moment, you just relied on his ability to find you like he has countless times before, because you could always rely on Erwin. It was easy, natural, careless, ignorant, stupid, and most of all, <em>dangerous</em>. To not only let your guard down around a person, but to let them build a residence inside your body. Giving them free range to all your thoughts and secrets. Letting them integrate themselves to every part of your existence and shaping the way you look at the world. Caring so deeply about them that it hurts, but in a way that’s just a constant reminder that they’re all you need to feel alive. You kept your heart far, far away from anyone else’s reach, but when you opened your eyes for the first time and saw a minefield of diamonds trapped behind two irises, your heart couldn’t help but fall into his hands. And when given the opportunity to have it back, you let him keep it, with the silent promise of forever and a civilization’s worth of feelings not meant for two people alone. </p>
<p>Two days passed, and even though Francis tried to convince you otherwise, nothing could stop you from getting back to Erwin. Regardless of your wound, you knew that if you were forced to spend any more time apart, that your condition would only worsen. So you set out and wandered the foreign streets. Once back to the main village your memory began coming back to you. You remembered that you came here with Erwin to explore, but where was he? Your impatience got the best of you and you figured the safest option would be to go back home and hope he meets you there. You decided to tap on someone’s shoulder and ask for directions, but when they turned around, their once neutral expression turned dark, and something else you couldn’t quite put your finger on. Still, you tried.</p>
<p>“Excuse me? Do you know where I can get back to-” </p>
<p>“How?” the boy asked.</p>
<p>You paused to look at him in question. The longer he looked at you, the more you could feel him searching you for answers. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand-”</p>
<p>“How are you alive?”</p>
<p>Suddenly, all of your muscles tensed and your instincts kicked in, something was <em>off</em>. There was no humor or signs of delirium in his voice. Your mind was telling you to run and find Erwin, but where was he? Before you could stop yourself, your voice all but shouted your thoughts. “Where is Erwin?” At this, the boy appeared taken back, and eventually seemed to piece together pieces to the puzzle you had barely begun. </p>
<p>“Ahhh, I see. You’re talking about your knight in shining armor right? The blonde one, yeah?”</p>
<p>You stared back at him, waiting for him to just tell you where Erwin was since that’s all you needed to know. You would find his location and run as fast as your body would let you. Not stopping until you were being swooped up by steady arms, breathing in the scent of lavender and sandalwood while the canaries celebrated in the background. That’s all you knew and all you could think of as you tried to brush off your unease. </p>
<p>“Quite a shame if you ask me. I thought a guy like that would’ve stood his ground but instead he went running for the hills. Not that that mattered anyways, when he came looking for you we finished him off anyways. At least in the end he put up a decent fight, he gave me this pretty thing right here.”</p>
<p>You briefly registered the hand movements around the black eye he was wearing, but that hardly mattered because what was he trying to say? Where was Erwin? Erwin isn’t a coward, you just don't know him like I do. He’s smart and doesn’t bother engaging in fights he knows he can’t wi-</p>
<p>“Sweetheart, are you hearing me? Listen here, your loverboy is dead, slit his throat clean open and dumped the body down the ravine. You can try and report us but between you and me, I think I’ve got a closer relationship with the Military Police and it wouldn’t take much to make them turn a blind eye. And if you want to get technical, if you hadn’t been so stupid in the first place, he wouldn’t have found himself in such a situation now would he? I suggest you try and move on, no point in both of you being killed unless you wanna be difficult.”</p>
<p>If your mind could become its own separate entity, it would be saying “I told you so. This is what you get for letting someone so close.” But all you could think of right now was Erwin. Your Erwin, the boy who picked flowers for you to press in the books he already finished reading. The boy you used to sing soft lullabies to as a child, which somehow became something neither of you grew out of with age. The boy who knew that all you needed after a hard day was to lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. The boy who blushed profusely after realizing he casually mentioned marrying you like it was the only thing that made sense to him. The boy who was never really a boy to you at all, because he never seemed to be content with the knowledge put in front of him. The man who was always looking for a deeper meaning to the things everyone else brushed off. The man you listened to for hours on end when he got stuck on a specific topic and the man you would never interrupt because every word that came from him was a precious star worth keeping.</p>
<p>And now it was Erwin, the man who died because you were too reckless. Because you wanted to explore, because you were selfish. Because you wanted more from the world, because you were greedy. Because you forgot that the universe owes you nothing, because you forgot that the only thing that matters is that Erwin is by your side and you already had that. But of course you would want more, because you have always been this stupid and you are finally paying the consequence for it all. Or maybe you are paying the price. The world in exchange for Erwin. Without him, there was no reason to stay here, in your town, in this place at all. No reason to not do anything and everything because there was nothing left to lose. You could go and try whatever the hell you wanted to fill the void in your soul, all in desperateness and failure because nothing could compare to being with Erwin. Everything has a price. You wished for more and you got it. But god, if you knew it would end up this way, you would’ve stayed in that little village forever and lived the happiest life you could imagine as long as you could keep him. </p>
<p>“Did she believe you?”<br/>
</p>
<p>“Yes, I told you she definitely believed me. You should’ve seen her face. It was like I had turned into a titan right in front of her. I doubt we’ll see her around anytime soon, I wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up in a psych ward.”<br/>
</p>
<p>“You’re such a dumbass sometimes, if you didn’t stab her in the first place we wouldn’t be dealing with this shit. We’re lucky that we actually thought she was dead when he came looking for her, I don’t think he would’ve believed us if we had to lie.”<br/>


</p><p>“I’m just glad he wasn’t the type to be an angry kinda sad, otherwise, he could’ve strangled us to death.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finally cranked out the majority of the backstory. more romance and sadness on the way!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. purpose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been raining for three days now. You are grateful for it though because it’s the only time your thoughts stop mercilessly berating you, like they’re being drowned out in the water. As you sit atop an old oak tree, soaked to the bone, you can’t find the motivation within yourself to care. You count the droplets as they fall from your face and ignore the way some taste saltier than others. It’s the only time you have to do such a thing anyways. If you had to choose between losing a finger and being caught in tears, you’d choose the former in a heartbeat. That’s how you found yourself deep in the woods during one of the worst downpours you’d seen in a while.</p><p>Time. The epitome of your despair. There was no wasting it or using it anymore, you just did whatever you could as it passed by at its excruciating pace. There wasn’t much you wouldn’t do to get money, more for Francis than yourself though. Maybe it was just stealing a wallet here or there or maybe it was killing a certain someone who pissed off the wrong guy. It doesn’t matter, this existence was your penance and there were no rules saying you had to live it kindly.  </p><p>Sometimes, still, even years and years later, you think you hear him call your name. And your head whips around every time, with hope buzzing through every nerve, only to fall back into the dread and agony of reality. The gods are teasing you, surely, as if they don’t know what’s been done is more than enough.</p><p>If only you knew that he was out there right now, running through the same muddy terrain. Hidden beneath a deep green cloak with blades in his hands as he grapples forward into the tree line. The driving force behind all his killings being the memories of a girl he believes is long gone, but who fuels the entirety of his driving force. He only makes time to sleep in hopes of seeing you, whether it be in his dreams or nightmares. Sometimes he opens a book and expects flowers to fall out. Other times he looks in the mirror and swears he sees you giving him a teasing smirk behind him. But he’s lost all hope of ever having those things again. So, as he sends another hundred men to their deaths, it doesn’t quite sting as much as it should, because he’s already grieved the equivalent of  a million lives over one person.</p><p>*12 years later*</p><p>Francis died in her sleep on a calm winter night. She was fortunate enough to pass from age alone, something most can only dream of nowadays. After she passed you stayed in her house to take care of her cat, Pleco, knowing he was the closest thing to family to her. A year later, he passed away too, in the same manner as her owner. You buried them both in the backyard by her cherry blossom trees. She was a simple woman, owning no fancy heirlooms or anything bandits would think is worth stealing. You left her house not long after with no destination in mind. You travelled wherever you could wander, killing titans if necessary. Someone had given you what they called ‘ODM gear’ claiming it was useless unless you were some kind of wizard. Much to your dismay, you held no magic powers, but you did have impeccable balance. After years of practice you could swing from tree to tree like it was second nature to you. But old habits die hard and you were never one for confrontation. You honed your stealth skills until you moved at the same octave as the wind itself. You were alone, doing bare minimum for your survival and nothing more. However, some instances needed the old you to make a reappearance. Charm and charisma came natural to you and now, you used it as a weapon rather than out of goodwill. It definitely came in handy when you needed a free meal or to stock up on weaponry. People are a lot easier to keep at arm’s length and manipulate than you remember. </p><p>Even now, you bothered to stay humble. You didn’t carry the same vibrancy and if anyone looked carefully enough, they’d see the void of life in your eyes. But it never stopped people from approaching you. Something that you had once been accustomed to became something you despised. It forced you to hide away under the old black cloak Francis gifted you one day. <em>She was always too good for you.</em> It was only when necessary did you pull it down and let your hair fall around your shoulders. You’d plaster on a smile, one dull in comparison to the one long gone, and momentarily revert back into your old ways. Digging back and choking up smooth phrases that, at some point of time, you once meant. And even that bare minimum, the scraps of the woman you used to be, was enough to get you anything you needed out of anyone.</p><p>You were approaching a nearby village since you needed more food for another pointless journey. As you walked towards a vendor, you easily tuned into the conversations around you. Filtering through each word, scanning for any threats. You didn’t exactly have the cleanest record and there were plenty of men you led on that still looked for you. None of them mattered anyways, they weren’t who you wanted them to be. They just had something you needed and the only price they charged was a few empty promises. </p><p>One conversation stuck out,</p><p>
  <em>Survey Corps, outside the walls, titans, failed.</em>
</p><p>They’re still doing that? It shouldn’t surprise you, but it is baffling how they find the people to continue those missions. As you exchange with a vendor for some bread, it hits you. The Survey Corps. Essentially a death sentence sloppily brushed off as bravery. It’s perfect.</p><p>Stowing your bread away, you casually walk in the men’s direction to get a better listen.</p><p>“They’re still recruiting any poor suckers they can manage, you know.”</p><p>“Such a shame, they’re getting younger too. Since most of the adults are somewhat in their right minds.”</p><p>You listen until you gather enough details to give you a designation. As you carried yourself to what was almost certain death, you couldn’t help the faint bubble of <em>something</em> rising within yourself. Maybe it was because you finally had a goal, a purpose. Or maybe it was the prospect of a gruesome death. Whatever it was, it made your strides a little longer and they held a bit more certainty. Something you thought you could only feel in another lifetime.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>eek! there's so much i have planned for this story i just don't know how i want it all the play out. thanks for the patience everyone. at some point i will probably come back to this chapter and revise it a little.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. to be brave, to be foolish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When you find the place you were looking for, you realize that those men were right. They are getting younger. You were definitely one of the older ones there, but luckily for you, you didn’t look much older physically. </p>
<p>You slipped in line and easily blended in. Again, you tuned into the conversations around you to get an idea of the kind of people you would be working with for the next few years. <em>If they made it that far.</em></p>
<p>“I wanna join the Military Police, I’ve heard they live pretty cozily right around the Capital.”</p>
<p>“I just want to stay as far away from Titans as possible.”</p>
<p>“Who do you think gets paid more?”</p>
<p>Sighing, you can’t find it within yourself to be all that shocked or disappointed. If they weren’t dumb and naïve they could hardly be classified as kids anyways.</p>
<p>“I’m going to take back Wall Maria.”</p>
<p>Well there’s an idea. You began to slowly scan for the face belonging to a voice of conviction. Up ahead about ten or so people in front of you, you saw a trio of kids. Two boys, a blonde and brunette, with a black haired girl. You identified the brunette as the one boasting about “killing all the titans”. It was refreshing to hear that someone was at least passionately stupid. </p>
<p>When he turned his head to face the girl next to him, you were able to see his profile. Emerald, you silently noted to yourself. Emerald gems revealing that all of his determination was nothing but genuine. You’ll make sure to observe him during training to see how far he can back up his words.</p>
<p>Eventually, you were up next. Walking up to the man, you gave him your name and answered a few more questions. It wasn’t until he asked for where you're from did you bother looking up at him. It was a simple question. <em>It’s been years, get over it</em></p>
<p>After a hand was waved in front of your face, you answered. The words felt like glass trying to crawl its way back down your throat. You hadn’t spoken the name of your village since that day when asking for directions back home. If only you had learned sooner that home was never a place.</p>
<p>You vaguely heard some scribbling and after a few moments a paper was being held out for you to take. Grabbing it and thanking the man, you began walking where he told you to go. With your body on autopilot, your mind focused on trying to repress the emotions that you had stuffed down for over a decade. <em>How pathetic,</em> a few measly words was really all it took.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>The “introduction” was more like an initiation process. The instructor spent the half hour yelling at cadets, head butting one, and forcing another to run until the sun went down. You weren’t one of the people he called on, and some might consider you to be lucky, but it’s not like you cared either way. You knew he was just testing anyone who looked like they didn’t know they were throwing away their lives.</p>
<p>It’s been a while since you’ve lived in an actual building, or had access to showers and food. You didn’t bother talking to anyone and no one bothered to initiate anything with you. You took some time to briefly explore and make a mental map of where everything was. Old habits truly must die hard because you can’t help but form a meticulous routine to follow. It was something you used to do with everything and it was the only way for you to feel sane at times. </p>
<p>After taking a thorough shower, you dressed and made your way down to dinner. You keep yourself relatively hidden, not obviously, just in a way that made it hard to see your entire face. You really weren’t in the mood to fend off teenagers.</p>
<p>By reflex, you politely thank the chef serving you food, who gives you a quizzical look. You guess that people around here aren’t normally well mannered. They give you a nod and you find an empty place to sit away from everyone else. While the cadets make idle talk around you, you simply eat, put your tray away, and return to your room. </p>
<p>Before you sleep, you stretch out your muscles, one of the few habits you bothered to maintain over the years. Continuing on to one of your added customs, you stow your knife away between the bed frame and mattress. Just in case. Settling into the bed, you realize how much you’ve missed actually having one. <em>You don’t deserve it.</em> You take a deep breath and shudder at the intrusive thoughts that rack your brain. It was something you were used to at this point, but that didn’t make falling asleep much easier. Eventually, your drowsiness took over and you fell into a deep rest.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>Today, everyone was being balance tested for the ODM gear. You realize you have a pretty big advantage over the majority of your class, as you watch cadet after cadet struggle. When it’s your turn, you slip the belt on and feel the familiar tug as you're hoisted into the air. The only movement that followed was the light sway back and forth. You could hear distant whispers and gasps of admiration, maybe some scoffs of jealousy. As you were being lowered, the instructor, Shadis, sent you a harsh glare before leaving you with a short nod of approval. </p>
<p>As you were walking away to go stand back by yourself, you felt a brief tap on your arm. You turn to see the blonde boy you had seen in line from before. He looks a bit nervous and you raise one eyebrow in question, which seems to encourage him enough to speak.</p>
<p>“H-Hello, I’m Armin Arlert, it’s nice to meet you…”</p>
<p>He trails off, hoping you’ll finish the sentence for him. You decide that he looks about as harmless as one can look these days. </p>
<p>“F/n l/n, it’s nice to meet you as well.”</p>
<p>Your answer seems to bring him some relief, as he continues on with a bit more confidence.</p>
<p>“You are really talented y/n, you look like a natural in the ODM gear.”</p>
<p>His voice is so sincere it gives you goosebumps. It really has been a long time since you’ve interacted with someone that didn't have any ulterior motives. It was refreshing, and if you still knew how, you would have normally let your guard down a bit for someone like him. He couldn’t be out of his teens yet, he still held that bright innocence in his eyes that at one point, wasn’t so foreign to you. His eyes shine a bright blue, <em>but not the right shade.</em> </p>
<p>You didn’t realize you were staring into the boy’s eyes until he nervously clears his throat. You notice the light flush across his cheeks when you come back to your senses. After a few blinks you remember his initial compliment and your lack of response.</p>
<p>“I apologize, I’m a bit tired and I didn’t mean to zone out.”</p>
<p>You follow up your lie with a soft smile and it’s more than enough to convince the young boy.</p>
<p>“Oh no worries! Yesterday was a pretty rough first day huh?”</p>
<p>You almost feel bad for how easy it is to deceive him.</p>
<p>“Yeah no kidding. Thank you though, for your comment earlier. The real test will be when we utilize it in action though.”</p>
<p>Your humble response makes him smile a little brighter.</p>
<p>“You’re right, I’m nervous for how that will go but part of me is also kind of excited.”</p>
<p>He scratches at the side of his mouth as he speaks and you wonder how a kid like him decided to go into the Training Corps. You knew the question would prompt him to ask you a similar one in return, but you decide that you didn’t mind lying a bit more for today. </p>
<p>“Armin, if you don’t mind me asking…”</p>
<p>You wait to see his initial response before continuing. When he looks at you with open curiosity, you proceed.</p>
<p>“What made you decide to join the Training Corps?”</p>
<p>He doesn’t look very surprised by the question as his lips purse in thought. His tone shifts into a more serious one as he answers.</p>
<p>“My childhood friends, Eren, Mikasa, and I were in Shiganshina District when Wall Maria fell. Eren already wanted to join the Survey Corps before it all happened, but I think after the attack, it only fuelled his desire more. We agreed back then that we would all join together, to protect each other. I have always admired Eren’s passion for life, so he really inspired me to do something more for my own. Something for the greater good. He can have that effect on people.”</p>
<p>By the end of his answer, his mood had lifted back up. He was sheepishly scratching the back of his neck and smiling at you as he finished his explanation. After taking a moment to absorb his story, you responded.</p>
<p>“I’m very sorry you all had to witness that, it must’ve been hard. I’m glad to hear that you still have each other though.”</p>
<p>It took a surprising amount of effort to keep any bite from seeping into your words. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I know we’re some of the luckier ones and I’m grateful for it every day. How about you y/n? What made you join?”</p>
<p>Your hands had been gently clasped behind your back, but you started to pull at your fingers as you continued.</p>
<p>“I had a rough home life, so I got out as soon as I could. Ever since then I’ve been on my own and I just decided I was tired of feeling useless. Especially after hearing about what happened to Wall Maria, I wanted to take action myself.”</p>
<p>He gazes at you in awe before shaking his head and looking away.</p>
<p>“Sorry, that’s just really brave of you to do. You could’ve done a multitude of other things to feel useful, but the fact that this was your first choice is very courageous of you.”</p>
<p>You shake your head.</p>
<p>“Bravery and foolishness are separated by a fine line. You may see it that way, but as you said, I could’ve made myself useful in other areas, and yet I chose this place. It’s easy to write off as bravery, but that’s the point. I don’t have to actually have a logical explanation because people just see it as me being brave.”</p>
<p>His response pleasantly surprises you.</p>
<p>“Does it really matter though? You don’t have to have an explanation for everything you do, sometimes you’re just drawn to certain things by some gut feeling or intuition. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”</p>
<p>He gives you a soft smile, similar to the one you gave him previously. Clearly this kid is ahead of his time. </p>
<p>If you had been alone, you would have physically stumbled from the feeling of your heart dropping. This kid, you come to realize, reminds you of <em>him</em>. And you wish you they were telling the truth when they said time heals all, but this is a scar that just can’t stop reopening, no matter how many stitches you thread through it. </p>
<p>Instead of stumbling, you just tilt your head slightly and lightly laugh.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”</p>
<p>He’s clearly happy with your response, but before he can say more, he’s called over by his brunette friend. </p>
<p>“It was really nice meeting you y/n, I have to go now, but I will see you around.”</p>
<p>You nod as he walks over to his friend, glancing back at you over his shoulder once more before turning back for good.</p>
<p>Little did you know Armin was telling Mikasa and Eren all about you. How you weren’t as intimidating as you seemed, but that you still held that unidentifiable mysterious, guarded aura. That you spoke as elegantly and gracefully as you held yourself in all your movements. That you were confident in a way that only comes from experience and humble as a courtesy towards other’s comfort. He continued on in an attempt to convince them both to go talk to you as well, but neither of them needed convincing. They both had their own curiosities about you to begin with and now, they had a definitive excuse to approach you without potentially coming off as weird.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>After training, you head towards the mess hall for dinner. Sitting back in the same vacant spot as before, you begin eating. However, you feel someone’s gaze observing as you eat, putting you on edge. You finish your food at your normal pace, not wanting to seem rushed, and stand up to put away your tray. You walk out of the mess hall and begin walking towards your room when a voice calls out to you.</p>
<p>“Y/n!”</p>
<p>You turn to see the brunette this time. You stop to allow him to catch up to you.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. I’m Eren Jaeger, Armin told me your name.”</p>
<p>He holds out a hand for you to shake, and you oblige. </p>
<p>“Pleased to meet you Eren, Armin mentioned you two were close friends.”</p>
<p>He lets out a sigh of relief from your lack of suspicion.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah we are. We grew up together.”</p>
<p>You nod and it takes him a moment to remember that he’s the one who approached you.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah! I know we don’t know each other very well, but I don’t think there was a single person who wasn’t amazed to see you try the ODM gear. If it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle, do you think you could give me some pointers? You can say no if you want, I understand.”</p>
<p>You didn’t get the opportunity to see him try, but if he’s desperate enough to reach out to a stranger, it must’ve gone pretty poorly. </p>
<p>“No, I don’t mind. Whenever there’s a break in training I can provide as much support as I can.”</p>
<p>He beams at you and you find yourself a bit jealous at how easily happiness comes for him.</p>
<p>“Thank you so much y/n, I owe you big time. Whatever you need, I got you, I swear. I really do appreciate it.”</p>
<p>You nod your head once and softly smile at him.</p>
<p>“It’s no big deal, you don’t owe me anything. We’re all in this together so we should help each other out as much as we can.”</p>
<p>He crosses his arms and lightly pouts, were kids always this adorable?</p>
<p>“Some of the cadets unfortunately don’t have the same views.”</p>
<p>Easily slipping into your maternal ways, you reassure him.</p>
<p>“The longer we’re together, the more they’ll realize how important that is. For the time being you have me to lean on though.”</p>
<p>He straightens again and your answer seems to work.</p>
<p>“That’s a good point. Thank you again y/n, I’ll let you get back to your room now. I’ll see you tomorrow though.”</p>
<p>He waves at you as he walks backwards and you briefly wave back before turning and heading towards your room. It’s not until you're alone in the showers that you let your shoulder drop. It’s never felt this draining before, the facade had become a second skin to you. <em>It’s because they’re kids</em>. Oh, that’s right. </p>
<p>Still, you can’t find it in yourself to truly feel guilty. It just requires a bit more effort than you’re used to to seamlessly sway them and their perception to exactly how you want it. When you finish your night routine and lay in bed, the thoughts from earlier settle in the forefront of your mind. It’s painful, like flames licking endlessly at your heart. You remember anyways, whether it’s as your own form of punishment or just to feel something, you don’t know. But you think about all of the parts of him you loved most. You think about how after long days you would crawl under his shirt and relax against the warmth of his skin. How he used to whisper in your ear sweet praises and dance his fingertips along your ribs to wake you up.</p>
<p>If there wasn’t the risk of your roommates walking in at any moment, you would continue your self-destructive tendencies. Maybe even go off and sleep above a titan just to be able to blame fate for accidently slipping off the tree and getting eaten. But instead, you push all the thoughts away to be dug up another time when you crave them most and you hope that you dream of him tonight.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi everyone, i hope you enjoy this chapter, it is on the longer side this time. i am doing my best but please excuse if the minor details aren't 100% accurate to how it is in the manga/anime. i use the manga, anime, and the attack on titan video game for my characterization so if it's not perfect, i apologize. my main focus will be on the reader and Erwin anyways but i still wanted to integrate the reader properly within the 104th training corps. please keep in mind that the reader is one year younger than Erwin so she thinks of all of them from a maternal standpoint, not a romantic one. again, i am not 100% positive on Erwin's age but I am assuming he's in his thirties at this point. if it gets too confusing, i can make a timeline before the next chapter. thank you all again for the support! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It didn’t take long for your talents to become noticed. It became apparent that you held a comfortable ease in all of your skills that quickly caught the attention of your peers and instructors. Anything you did encaptured the gaze of whoever was nearby and lucky enough to bare witness to your finesse. </p><p>Being out on your own for so long caused you to create, and master, an extremely unique combat style. You honed in on speed, conservation, and stealth. To your opponent, it appeared like you were lax, even bored, until suddenly their chest was pinned to the dirt ground. Your movements were all carefully calculated, nothing unnecessary or flashy, which allowed you to hide your presence smoothly and go unnoticed when you chose to be. </p><p>The main show stopper was how you functioned in the ODM gear. It reflected the same properties as your hand to hand style, but adjusted to accommodate mid air battle. To preserve gas and lower the sounds your movements made, you used the grapples to propel and then free fly through the air unsuspended. Instead of the traditional method of grappling tree to tree, you chose the farthest point the gear would allow and gave a quick, but powerful, burst to soar through the air on your own. It wasn’t until the very last second, when your momentum would die out, that you picked your next target and flew again. </p><p>However, while this risky maneuver was the highlight, you incorporated a plethora of perfected movements, giving you an array of options to switch between during training. It made you impossible to track or keep up with, and the titans were nowhere near intelligent enough to understand, much less notice you, before their napes were already severed entirely. Your skills became the main topic of discussion around the entire base, but it was to be expected. You knew that coming in with the experience you had would draw attention, but you didn’t give it much thought. <em>We will all die anyways.</em></p><p>There was something about you that gave everyone a certain, conflict per say. You radiated a presence that made people drawn towards you innately. They felt themselves pulled into your orbit, wanting to soak up every movement and word spoken. However, there was also something else. Something somber, guarded, and so mystifying about you that made people settle on observing you from afar. You put people on edge when every cell in their body begged out in protest.</p><p>One Squad Leader, took a particular liking towards you and out of amusement, you tolerated it. Your calm demeanor didn’t falter when faced with her energetic and quirky antics. She had a million questions, but you were able to satisfy her curiosity with a few boring lies that easily lost her interest. She was probably trying to get a rise out of you most of the time, but you couldn’t find yourself to be bothered at all, and you always came back with a smart remark of your own. The banter caused the leader, Hange, to sulk and come back another time to try all over again, and any bystanders were left silently admiring your patience and grace.  </p><p>There wasn’t a single person who wasn’t completely entranced by you, whether it was because of a direct interaction, or merely the idea of you that spread through the various gossip. Few people had the confidence to approach you, but once they did, they found themselves never wanting to leave. You were always willing to assist anyone who came to you, which gradually became nearly your entire class after watching your skills and having their own time to work up the courage. You never initiated interactions first and you did not spend leisure time with others, but for whatever reason, everyone felt close and safe with you. </p><p>Little did they know you were controlling it all. You knew exactly how people reacted to you and used it to your advantage. Genuinely, you didn’t mind helping people and you knew that it would only make them like you further. While you couldn’t give a shit about your reputation, it was a lot easier to deal with people infatuated with you than people who hated you. And it was also easier to let the admiration flow in because you were naturally accustomed to it. </p><p>You didn’t let yourself dwell on the shiver it gave you to think of the person you used to be. Or the obligation you felt to help others because you didn't like thinking that their deaths could've been prevented if you had helped them. </p><p>After a month’s time, you became the angel of your class. People quickly realized you would not spend time with others unless it was productive, so the excuse to improve became a common one. In turn, they all actually started to excel rapidly. You were able to adjust to anyone’s personality and pick up on exactly what they would need to understand and grow. It made everyone feel like they had a real connection with you, when in reality, nobody knew a single true thing about you outside of your skill set. What they briskly wrote off as your own guarded nature keeping everyone at arm’s length was unknowingly your own crafted perception keeping yourself in a different galaxy entirely. </p><p>~~~~~</p><p>Today, Hange has asked you to come demo run a new training course for a few other higher ups. After changing, you start to head down towards the arena. Hange mentioned that the course was designed off of an entirely new blueprint, courtesy of her own ideas and modifications. What that meant, you didn’t know, but you safely assumed that meant something not safe at all. Fine by your standards.</p><p>After closing the gate behind you, you walk towards the group of people standing to the side of the expansive field. Their conservation pauses as Hange notices you and audibly gasps, causing everyone to follow her gaze to your figure. With a clap of her hands, she begins.</p><p>“Everyone! This is her, the one and only, Angel of the 104th Cadet Corps! She’s a looker amiright? But don't be fooled! She could easily give Levi here a run for his money.”</p><p>She winks at the shorter man next to her, who only clicks his tongue at her enthusiasm. <em>So that must be Captain Levi.</em> You’ve only ever heard of him until now, as people often compared each of your fighting styles and argued over whose was superior. Your ability to read people told you that he was someone worth respecting. </p><p>Next to him is Instructor Shadis and an older, bald man you don’t recognize. Shadis regards you with a nod and the unfamiliar man steps forwards. He stops just shy of a foot away and stares directly into your eyes. You know this game all too well and don’t waver in the slightest. After a few seconds, he laughs.</p><p>“You’re right Hange, I’ll take her.”</p><p>“Oi, we haven't even seen her in action yet.”</p><p>“Don’t need to.”</p><p>He looks at you and softly smiles, but you don’t bother changing your lax expression. Still, he extends a hand.</p><p>“I’m Pyxis, officer of the Garrison Regiment. Word about you spread and I just had to come down and see for myself.”</p><p>Taking his hand firmly, you nod.</p><p>“F/n l/n, pleased to meet you Pyxis. I hope it won't be a trip you find wasted.”</p><p>Letting your hand go, he steps back to stand next to Shadis.</p><p>“She’s like Levi but with manners!”</p><p>“Shut it Four Eyes.”</p><p>Ignoring the Captain’s prickly nature, she stalks over and swings an arm casually around your shoulders while bringing her face close enough to feel her breath when she speaks.</p><p>“Y/n is the most promising cadet we’ve had since you Levi, you should be flattered! Anyways, I made this course especially for you y/n and I added all sorts of new obstacles. So prettyyy pleaseee struggle.”</p><p>Now she’s squishing her face against yours but again, you remain unbothered.</p><p>“I’ll do my best Squad Leader.”</p><p>“Hah? Don’t say it like that now! At least try to sound intimidated.”</p><p>Before you can respond, Levi sighs and steps towards you to grab Hange by the back collar of her shirt. Successfully pulling her off of you, he reprimands her with an irritated tone. </p><p>“Maybe if you’d let her go she could actually start what we all came to watch her do.”</p><p>“Oh yes! Okay it’s easy peasy y/n, you’ll start in that tree line over there and when I give you the signal, start heading towards the course. You’ll enter through the small opening that will be right behind that mark on the curtain. Don’t worry, I’ll pull it back right before you enter, so it’ll be a surprise!”</p><p>You follow the direction her finger is pointing and in the distance you can see the large, walled off area. The only thing blocking the view is a large curtain covering it from this side with a human sized X marked near the top edge. You can still see tall, pole-like structures poking out from the top and the curtain lever that extends about twenty feet away from the area itself. <em>Odd.</em></p><p>Nodding, you start heading towards the treeline across from the course, already having come prepared in your gear. While they wait for you to reach your destination, Hange looks around quizzically.</p><p>“Hey, aren’t we missing someone?”</p><p>Taking out his pocket watch, Pyxis answers. </p><p>“He got held up in the meeting I was just in, he said he would try to make it if time permits.”</p><p>“I can access her abilities just fine by myself anyways. Don’t go thinking that I’ll let a good cadet slip through my fingers.”</p><p>“I don’t know, I can make a promising bargain for her in the Garrison.”</p><p>“Her talents would be wasted in the Garrison and you know it.”</p><p>“Perhaps, but she could make better use of her leadership skills for civilian control. Plus, having a strong cadet like her would really improve my arsenal Levi.”</p><p>“Tsk. Let’s see if she’s even worth this argument first.”</p><p>You finally reach the treeline and zip up to one of the trees in the front. You look out to see Hange giving what you assume is a thumbs up before she starts to walk towards the lever. You see her hold up her arm before a colorful cloud of smoke bursts from her gun, giving you the start signal.</p><p>You shoot out to grapple one of the pole structures above your entry point. Flying head on towards the red X, the curtain is pulled back right as you unhook your line to shoot through the gap in the wall. </p><p>The curtain falls and Hange ignores Levi’s yelling for jumping up and down in glee. Shadis stands like he’s turned to stone and Pyxis starts laughing at the scene before him. </p><p>Beyond them by what Hange considers a “safe distance”, is a huge container-like structure with clear walls on all sides. In the arena stands the polls you saw earlier that act as trees in various heights and widths. Several mechanisms can be seen moving and swaying about, but the real obstacles are the several titans roaming around amongst it all. </p><p>“You have seriously lost your damn mind Four Eyes! Are you trying to get her killed before she can even see the battlefield?!”</p><p>Suddenly, her entire expression changes as she turns to look over her shoulder. The light bounces off her glasses.</p><p>“Trust me.”</p><p>~~~~~</p><p>Once you clear the opening you shoot out for the tallest pole. Landing swiftly, you quickly begin analyzing the scene before you. <em>Live titans, really Hange?</em> You decide that just this once, you will put on a show.</p><p>Instead of using your gear, you choose to free fall directly towards the first titan, gracefully spinning through the air. One of the moving obstacles begins to swing right in the line of your path. Before you could make impact, you grapple onto the second titan, who stood behind the first. Using the momentum from your fall, you swing to avoid the obstacle and redirect your trajectory right above the first titan, using your blade to smoothly glide across and sever its nape. Without stopping, you do the same to the second. They drop within the blink of an eye.</p><p>Shooting to the top of one poll, you launch yourself straight into the air, suspended above the top of the enclosure, and glance back to your audience. You shoot directly into the final titan and head straight towards its open jaws. It looks like you're diving directly into its mouth before you use your other grapple to latch on its arm, allowing you to swing yourself just above its jaws. Unlatching your grapples, right as you clear its mouth, its arms come up to grab you.</p><p>You latch onto its fist and swing upwards, still staying attached to its hands. As you descend, you swirl around the limbs at a viscous pace, blades out. When the flesh and remaining bits of flesh fall over the titans face, you reattach to its nape and sink your blades in to finish the job. You land in sync with its body dropping.</p><p>You grabble over the top of the wall and free fall on the outer side to exit. Before you hit the ground you grapple above you onto the wall and pivot your legs to swing right above the ground. When you land, you can see, and hear, Hange running towards you. You take a mere three steps before she’s picking you up and spinning you around, shouting some incoherent nonsense. </p><p>When she finally lets you down and you start walking towards the others, you notice someone else leaning against the gate. You can barely see the group closest to you, so you assume it’s just another curious onlooker. Once in hearing range, you pick up on some pieces of the argument before you. </p><p>“No way in hell am I letting her go with you.”</p><p>“Now Levi, the woman makes her own decisions last time I checked.”</p><p>“Yeah, she does. And she also has a brain unlike those peaheads in the Garrison. She is more than capable of realizing where she’s best suited.”</p><p>Cutting off any further escalation, Hange exclaims.</p><p>“See! I told you all she’s incredible! Three titans all on her own and she’s only a Cadet in training!”</p><p>You stand confidently, hands clasped behind your back, as you accept the praise with poise and humility. Caught up in the conversation around you, you fail to realize Shadis approaching with the person from the gate in tow.</p><p>Pyxis is standing directly in front of you, currently on a tangent about joining the Garrison Regiment. You engage with him only to be respectful, completely uninterested in the promise of having a full life. Behind him, Shadis calls out, causing him to turn and look over his shoulder. It’s only in this moment you catch a glimpse of the new acquaintance. Suddenly, it’s like coming up for air and drowning all at once.</p><p>You audibly gasp and stumble back a few steps. Everyone looks at you in confusion, but only one of them is matching your expression, staring right back at you. Your breaths choke on every inhale and exhale. You keep blinking, thinking you’ll open your eyes and he’ll be gone, just as it happens in all of your day dreams. But your eyes are watering and the vision of him isn’t washing away.</p><p>As you shake your head in denial, he starts moving towards you. And really, you should be scared. You should be terrified and panicking and running away because this man is a stranger. He’s too tall and too broad. He doesn’t have the bit of baby fat in his cheeks and his hair doesn’t reflect the sun as brightly. His jaw is too defined and his eyes carry shadowy bags. </p><p>You should be petrified and convinced that you’re finally losing your mind after all these years. But you can’t be. You can’t hold any defense up because his eyes are just the right shade of blue. Because he holds his shoulders at just the right angle. Because his cupid’s bow dips at just the perfect slope. Because it’s really him, and no matter what happens, he will forever and always be the one thing you know to be safe.</p><p>His large stride brings him to you by the time the first tears fall. They don’t even make it down your face because you’ve already jumped into his arms and he’s already caught you. And you're pressing your face into his neck like your skin could physically melt into his. You inhale and it’s clear and smooth as your lungs fill with lavender and sandalwood. </p><p>You're chest to chest and each of your hearts beat in tune with each other, having their own reunion. You’re both crying, but it doesn’t matter because all you can see is him and that’s all you truly care to witness. When his palms hold your face, it’s like they grew specifically so that they would always be able to hold you in the same familiar way. </p><p>And for the first time in fifteen years, you smile. You wholeheartedly, without hesitation, smile. Because you’re so goddamn happy and you can’t find a single reason to feel otherwise. Especially when he kisses you and with every second spent connected at the lips, you feel another one of the years you spent apart disappear. It’s just you and Erwin, Erwin and you, and you’re sharing the same air, but it feels like your first breath in years. </p><p>You’re living, in the very same lifetime you lost him in once before. But this time, you’re both older and wiser and there isn’t a single thing out there that will tear you two apart again. You vaguely register the sound of canaries chirping, accompanying the melodic sound of Erwin’s voice as he whispers reassurances in your ear. Whether they’re for you or himself, is unknown. All that matters is that Erwin is holding you in his arms, with zero intent of ever letting go, and this is where you wish to live forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ta da! chapters are getting progressively longer oops. as always, i will be back to edit this later. i just got a bit excited with getting this chapter posted.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. sense</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s bizarre. How abruptly your entire outlook on life changed, yet again, and how complacently you let it happen. Years have gone by. Years you could have chosen to try and enjoy, to move on.  And you could blame yourself for believing you deserve the punishment, but maybe, just maybe, part of your heart always knew. The piece that lived its whole life attached to another knew that its counterpart was still out there beating. </p><p>But now, he’s here with you, and every nerve in your body has awoken from what was supposed to be an eternal hibernation. All you see is him, all you feel is him. And you’re drinking up his presence and relishing in its familiarity. Even after all this time, he’s still the only one to encapture your undivided attention. </p><p>You’re still in shock, but the disbelief is slowly but surely fading away. Now, you start to become acquainted with everything new, every part of him that’s been added since your last encounter. Because, while he’s so completely Erwin in every way that matters, it’s evident that he’s lived over a decade without you.</p><p>Handsome. Always was, and still is, the best way to describe him. In fact, it’s probably even more fitting now. He’s grown into his face so flawlessly with beautiful, warm skin over a sculpted bone structure. And his dark eyelashes are even longer than you remember, much to your dismay. His hair only has highlights of its original light gold shade, but you think the ashy color mixed in defines his features even better, and you decide you love it all the same. His once spotless skin now reveals hours spent in the sun, as a handful of freckles play across the highpoint of his nose. And the scar above his eyebrow suggests that not all of those hours were not spent out of enjoyment.</p><p>You run the pads of your fingers along his jaw, feeling the flex of muscle as he clenches his teeth to suppress the shudder he feels from your light touch. You can tell he’s freshly shaved and briefly ponder on the image of him with some stubble. Curse him for being able to pull off any look. </p><p>Neither of you know how much time has passed as the awkward, and abnormally loud, coughs reluctantly drag you both back to reality.</p><p>“Have fun trying to convince her now.”</p><p>Sighing at Levi’s remark, Pyxis replies.</p><p>“Well, this is clearly a factor that I could not predict. These things just can’t be helped.”</p><p>Hange is staring at you two, looking like she’s simultaneously waiting for an answer and conjuring up her own hypothesis. </p><p>“So, uh, Commander, you know y/n...Very well by the looks of it.”</p><p>If it was anyone else in this situation, they would’ve been hit with sudden embarrassment. Erwin stood with his arms holding securely around your frame while your legs wrapped around his torso. </p><p>Instead, he only tightened his grip, and you almost exploded with endearment at the way he shifted to turn your face away from them. Like he was a child whose parents were trying to take away his toy. You couldn’t care to stop the small giggle that was muffled from you burying your face into his collarbone. If he wasn’t so concerned for your well being, Erwin’s knees would’ve buckled from hearing the sound he missed so very much. </p><p>“It’s y/n.”</p><p>He said it like it was the most comprehensible explanation. His slightly furrowed brows eventually evened out when he realized that he never did talk about you to anyone. In fact, he hasn’t spoken your name since that night. When he cried and wailed, shouting out your name like you would hear it and coming running through his bedroom door. He stops himself before the dark reminder can affect him further, and he finds it to be a lot easier when you are safely tucked away in his arms. </p><p>He recalls a conversation that he and Levi had one night after another failed mission. They had been drinking and aimlessly talking about who knows what. It wasn’t until he brought up how he and Levi met that the conversation started to veer in a direction it never had gone towards. They had talked before about Levi’s childhood and his dark past because they both knew that, while it still pained him, it secretly helped him work through his troubling emotions. </p><p>It went unspoken that the same didn’t apply to Erwin. Any mention of his past was an untouched topic, but for whatever reason, on this particular night, he mentioned you. He could honestly go on forever, but that would only end in sorrow. Knowing that Levi would be the sole entity on this planet to not prode or ask any further questions, he confessed.</p><p>*Flash back*</p><p>“I grew up in a small village.”</p><p>As taken aback as he was, Levi didn’t let it show on his face. He settled on silence, letting Erwin dictate where the conversation went.</p><p>“It was small, but it kept us all close. It was like one big family.”</p><p>As Erwin swallows, he notes that his throat feels more narrow than before. </p><p>“Life was as good as it can get these days. We all helped each other out, doing menial tasks and labor.”</p><p>He sets down his glass of whiskey in favor of interlocking his trembling fingers together.</p><p>“And I had someone. Someone who was everyone to me.”</p><p>He inhales deeply, hoping that the light headed feeling he was experiencing was due to a lack of oxygen.</p><p>“Of course I’m a bit biased, but I believe that anyone who was lucky enough to meet her would testify that she was perfect in every way a person can be.”</p><p>Levi sips on his own amber beverage, needing something to quell the ever growing pit in his stomach. </p><p>
  <em>“Too perfect.”</em>
</p><p>He notices the raindrops beginning to fall against the window.</p><p>“This world was no place for someone like her, and I think someone up there must’ve realized that as well.”</p><p>It’s the first time since their introduction that Levi feels uneasy around Erwin, but for an entirely different reason.</p><p>“I want to be able to say that I tried my best, but I can only think that I could’ve done better. That there was something I could’ve done to save her. I always knew that there would never be someone wholly deserving of her, but that didn’t stop me from trying, and that didn’t stop her from thinking otherwise.”</p><p>The edge up his lips curl slightly upwards remembering the feeling of your affection.</p><p>“I never did end up figuring out what she saw in me. I lost the only thing that ever mattered to me before I could.”</p><p>He reaches over and downs the rest of his whiskey in one go. The raindrops morph into a full on thunderstorm.</p><p>*End of Flashback*</p><p>Levi suddenly comes to the same recollection. His disconcerted scowl was swept away and replaced by widened eyes and slightly parted lips. Hange looks back and forth between the two.</p><p>“I feel like I’m missing something here.”</p><p>“Erwin”</p><p>He says it lightly, being ever so cautious incase he’s mistaken. He would never dare bring up the subject shared that night, unless, it was somehow really you.</p><p>“It’s her, Levi.”</p><p>He soothingly runs his hand down the back of your head, following the curve of your neck and enjoying the sensation of your silky hair beneath his worn palm. He smiles and his eyes crinkle in the way only you’ve seen before. </p><p>Closing his agape mouth, he nods and turns to Hange, Pyxis, and Shadis, as they all wait expectantly for an explanation. As he speaks he walks towards the gate, leading them away from the two of you. He gives a vague run-through, mentioning that you were childhood friends, caring to leave out the personal details. He gives Erwin one last fleeting glance over his shoulder before exiting the arena with the rest of the crew in tail.</p><p>He delicately brings your face out from the junction between his shoulder and neck and supports the light weight as you lean into his touch. He doesn’t think he can handle the undeniable fact that you’ve somehow become even more beautiful than he remembers. Most people might think you haven’t aged a day, but he has studied and memorized everything about you enough to notice the difference. All of your features are just a stroke sharper than before.</p><p>You still look at him like he’s fueling the fire within the sun and the luminescence within the moon.</p><p>Words have never been a necessity for communication, what you both felt could rarely be projected into a combination of letters and syllables. Your bond transcends all the words of space and time, in this life and the next, and all the parallel universes in between. </p><p>But, this is the first time you’ve lived half of your lives without one another. And that fact looms between the two of you, riding atop your shared breaths.</p><p>Erwin looks around and sees a plush patch of grass out in the clearing. As he starts walking, you don’t bother to ask where he’s taking you because all that matters is that he’s taking you with him.</p><p>Finding a cozy spot tucked away from anyone’s view, he settles into a shaded seat against a tree. You’re still wrapped around his torso, playing with the longer tufts of hair at the back of his neck. You spend an indefinite amount of time absorbing each other’s presence, letting each cell rekindle and fill in all of the missing pieces. </p><p>It’s Erwin who starts, and the reverberations that travel throughout his chest echo back within yourself, dissolving any anxiety that could be left behind. </p><p>“I missed you.”</p><p>His voice is on the edge of a whisper and the words leave him feeling unsatisfied. That still seems like the world’s biggest understatement. </p><p>“I missed you too.”</p><p>And you feel the same discontent.</p><p>“I came back for you. I didn’t want to leave you. At the very least I wanted to bring you home, even if it was just your body.”</p><p>You hold him tighter.</p><p>“But they said you were gone, the men who did that to you. They said they threw your body into the ravine.”</p><p>You can feel his struggle as he swallows.</p><p> “And the blood, there was so much blood. It left a stain in the stone even after someone came by to power wash it away.”</p><p>He exhales, it’s shaky and you think to yourself that you hate the waver in his voice. </p><p>“I’m sorr-”</p><p>You clamp your hand over his mouth before he can finish the statement. You look him directly in the eyes and by the seriousness of your gaze, he already knows what you mean. <em>Do not blame yourself for something that was never your fault.</em></p><p>When you're convinced he gets the message, you slowly take your hand off his lips and replace it with your own. You run your palms over his shoulders until they fall. He sighs against your mouth and you take the exhale as your own breath. </p><p>As you pull away, you trace the tips of your fingers against his face, floating over the small scars that litter his skin. </p><p>“They told me they killed you.”</p><p>And your voice comes out hoarse and cracks at your last word. He peppers kisses all over your face, slowly, and you love the tickle of his eyelashes against your skin. </p><p>“They told me they killed you, when you came back for me. That they got the rest of their friends and-”</p><p>Tears pound behind your eyes, demanding to escape, but one gentle look sends them running back to safety.</p><p>“I couldn’t do it Erwin, I couldn’t go back. Knowing, well, thinking, that I was the reason you got killed. How could they forgive me? I couldn’t even forgive myself.”</p><p>You at some point started to shake, and now Erwin is pulling you back into the security of his neck. He listens to your shuttered cries, knowing full and well the feeling of blame and guilt dragging your soul down.</p><p>You calm down, quickly in fact, because you haven’t felt this safe in years and it’s too easy to let yourself be submerged in the relief. When you pull away, the skin on your cheek whines at the coolness in the air.</p><p>“But I’m here now, aren’t I?”</p><p>Your heart calms confidently, undisturbed, because your brain can actually settle in with the truth of the statement. And just like that, all of the winters spent alone melt away and the vibrancy of life you buried so deep within the earth blooms up to the surface.</p><p>“Yeah, and so am I. Me and you. You and me. Erwin and y/n. Y/n and Erwin.”</p><p>You both giggle at your babbling with smiles handmade for one another. You’re just playing around with the words, forgiving them for failing to convey your heart so many times in the past. Because no matter which way you put it, you and Erwin will always sound <em>so</em> good together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im really happy with the way this chapter turned out, i hope you all are too. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. the one exception</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So she died?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And that's really her out there?”</p><p>“According to Erwin, yes.”</p><p>“But she died?”</p><p>“Supposedly.”</p><p>Hange throws her arm across her forehead as she sloaches backwards in exhaustion.</p><p>“Oi Levi, for once it’s you giving me the headache-Ouch!”</p><p>Looking the other direction as if he didn’t just swiftly kick Hange’s shin, he continues.</p><p>“Look I don’t know the whole story. He only mentioned her once and back then he didn’t even say her name.”</p><p>“Well if they want to tell us they can. Otherwise I say we just leave them alone. I haven’t seen that much emotion from the Commander in all the years I’ve known him.”</p><p>The group shares a hum in agreement at Pyxis’s remark before Shadies declares.</p><p>“Agreed, so if you’ll excuse me I have other cadets to attend to.”</p><p>They all nod him a farewell, besides Hange, who is still trying to think of all the possible backstories that could have possibly happened between you two. </p><p>“Maybe she was eaten by a titan and escaped. Though I can’t see any physical evidence of that one.”</p><p>She’s squinting at the sky with her hand on her chin when Levi interrupts her train of thought.</p><p>“Tsk quit your pointless theories Four Eyes, have you ever heard of privacy?”</p><p>“Whaa!? Of course I have! But you can’t say that you’re not at least a little bit curious as to who she is. She hasn’t hung out with anyone outside of training and suddenly she’s being carried away by the Commander.”</p><p>Levi searches for a rebuttal, but ultimately settles on a sigh. He will admit that the whole situation has caused a few questions to pop into his mind.</p><p>“Whoever she is, if the Commander trusts her, then she must be a decent person. And from her reports, it’s not liked she’s disrespectful or brash to anyone, quite the opposite supposedly. Not everyone wants to talk people’s heads off like you Hange so just drop it for now.”</p><p>~~~~~</p><p>Eventually, you accepted your new reality. You came to terms with the fact that you weren’t going to wake up at any moment in yearning again. That <em>this</em> was all real, and that your dreams were no longer dreams.</p><p>You’re lying directly on top of him with your back flush with his chest. And God, if anyone saw you two right now, they’d laugh at how ridiculous you look. Maybe it’s the adrenaline or the extra endorphins, but whatever it is has you both giggling and pointing at the sky. Arguing over whether or not the clouds look like clovers or frogs and agreeing on turtles. </p><p>There’s so much to talk about but also nothing at all. The years spent apart would never be significant or worth mentioning because they were all missing a key component. You learn that Erwin joined the Survey Corps and worked his way up to Commander. You learn that he recruited Captain Levi himself and that he’s his most talented and devoted soldier and friend. He explains that the cadet, Eren Jaeger, is a titan shifter and holds a lot of potential for the future. </p><p>He talks and you listen to every last drop. He explains the world and everything that’s changed because even though you were out there to experience it, you never bothered to open your eyes. You both silently know why and confide in each other over the shared pain. </p><p>You don’t have much to say in comparison. You mention Francis and her kindness, you explain the uneventful series of events that led to you joining. It was all a snooze fest really, but if Erwin could, he would put it on an infinite loop just to hear your voice of nectar and silk forever.</p><p>~~~~~</p><p>It’s not that either of you were bored, far from that. It was the reunion of your souls and the satisfaction of being complete that forced your bodies to acknowledge their neglect. A burden had been lifted off your shoulders and you could finally deal with something other than loathing and grief. So, in the comfort and security of each other, all the sleepless nights spent in self-degradation finally caught up to the both of you.</p><p>When you come to, greeting you both is an array of colors splattered across the sky. Tangerine and peach clouds floating in a pool of honey. The sun is beginning to disappear across the horizon, but there is no need to fear its lack of warmth when you have a steady burning furnace beside you. The deeper rise of his chest tells you that he is also starting to wake up. </p><p>In a peaceful silence, you both pretend to admire the sunset and not the way it’s reflecting off of each other’s features. Before all of its light can vanish, Erwin speaks in a deep voice laced with sleep. </p><p>“We should probably head back, we still need to grab dinner.”</p><p>You can only hum in agreement, but by the lack of movement, it is clear that Erwin’s choice of words is intentional. <em>Probably.</em></p><p>With one last inhale, you turn to look into his eyes and drink up your vital dosage. Neither of you want to leave, but at least you can walk away together.</p><p>You sit up first but it’s Erwin who's first to his feet. He helps you stand and you both help pick bits of wheat and grass off each other before departing towards the base. The thought to reach out for his hand comes simultaneously with him snaking his own fingers between yours. </p><p>~~~~~</p><p>When you reach the dining hall, you remember why you always made it a point to be there early and leave as soon as possible. It’s crowded, with not only your fellow classmates, but now all of the other instructors and officers on base. You understand how you’ve managed to miss each other after all this time.</p><p>Instantly picking up on your hesitation, Erwin turns to look at you.</p><p>“I could have someone bring us dinner to my office if you’d prefer.”</p><p>Your skin tingles at Erwin’s steadfast understanding. You consider his offer because more alone time with him sounds ideal, but you figure that eating with everyone else for once couldn’t hurt. The thought of it doesn’t bring the same unsettling feeling that it used to.</p><p>“No, I think I’m okay. I’d like to meet more of your comrades actually, thus far they’ve all been quite interesting.”</p><p>He laughs at your polite way of phrasing it.</p><p>“Okay, I know they’ll be happy to meet you anyways. You’ve become quite famous around here you know.”</p><p>You pout to hide the upturn of your lips at his teasing and Erwin’s smirk breaks into a laugh as he continues towards the dining hall. As you two enter, all eyes take their turns giving you both looks of shock and amusement at seeing their Commander with someone. Neither of you paid any of them much mind, too focused on each other to think of much else.</p><p>You gather your food, never straying from his side, and instead of going to your normal lone table in the far corner, you follow him towards his table where you spot Hange and Levi. Arriving at the table, you notice another sand haired man seated on the other side of Hange. You sit down with Erwin, opposite of the trio, and politely greet them. It’s Erwin who takes the initiative to introduce you to the stranger.</p><p>“Miche, this is y/n, y/n this is Miche. He’s our second strongest soldier after Levi here.”</p><p>You can sense the pride oozing in his voice and you feel content inside knowing that he’s made friends. Other than Francis, you can’t say the same.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”</p><p>Instead of a verbal response, he leans over the table and sniffs around your left shoulder. You don’t move or show any signs of discomfort, regardless of your mild confusion. When he settles back into his seat, he hums in thought.</p><p>“She smells like you Erwin.”</p><p>You can’t help but chuckle at his blunt honesty and fail to notice Hange’s astounded face at your reaction. You’ve never shown excessive amounts of emotion before, no more than the occasional smile it took to make people feel comfortable around you, and that was more than enough. Erwin joins in on the humor before responding.</p><p>“To make a long story short, we haven’t seen each other in 15 years, so our reunion was as grand as you’d picture.”</p><p>15 years. Had it really been that long? That statement settled into your mind, putting into perspective just how much time you’ve spent apart. It made you all the more determined to spend as much time as possible together now.</p><p>“Commander, please spare us the details, we’re at the dinner table.”</p><p>You and Miche share a laugh and he notices the softness in your eyes peeking through the open crescents. The sight resolves the stray suspicions he had after picking up your unique scent. For the first time in what feels like forever, you’re too caught up in enjoying yourself to notice the way your entire class is staring at you in disbelief. Their jaws are dropped and some are trying to formulate words, all reflecting a reaction very similar to Hange’s.</p><p>But you take advantage of your newly revived reassurance as you look to your right and find icy orbs foundly staring back. You’ve missed this, <em>so</em> much, and while the rainy days and dull springs stand as more than enough evidence of that, having it back after being deprived of it for so long makes your heart cry in solace.</p><p>Levi smacks Hange in the back of the head before you catch her expression.</p><p>Dinner carries on a lot longer than you’re used to and combined with your late arrival, you note that it’s dark outside now. You don’t even realize how smoothly you’ve both transitioned back into each other’s lives, as if you’ve always kept a vacant spot reserved for each other without even knowing it. There’s a plethora of habits that seem to have never died, like the way you both sit as close as possible, thigh to thigh, with you still on his left to avoid his elbow hitting you as he eats. And the way his left hand sits gently hooked around the crook of your knee. And the way you lean into his side for support.</p><p>But Erwin realizes that he’s not entirely happy with the presence of certain habits. Maybe he was being too optimistic assuming that you’ve done anything to improve on them over the years, knowing the amount of blame and self-hatred you’ve put yourself through. He noticed back in line that you accepted less than the standard amount given out to soldiers, but naively hoped that at some point throughout the night, you would steal a bite or two off his tray.</p><p>Hange is on some ramble about her experience, naturally directing the table’s attention towards her. He takes the opportunity to remove his hand from your knee and trail his fingers up the length of your spine before rubbing at the base of your neck, suppressing the ticklish feeling. He gently holds the area between his thumb and four fingers as he guides your upper body closer to him. Meeting you part way, he cranes his neck down to kiss the shell of your ear before whispering.</p><p>“Do you want me to get someone to bring extra to my office?”</p><p>You curse at yourself for thinking his observation skills have done anything but improve since then. You mull over his question, taking longer than usual since you're partially distracted by his thumb softly grazing back and forth at your pulse point. Eventually, you lighty shake your head.</p><p>“No, I would rather not eat right before bed.”</p><p>He hums at your response, his exhale ghosting your ear. He knows you two can talk it over later in private, where you’re more comfortable. The thought brings an idea to his mind.</p><p>“I can get someone to move your things to my place.”</p><p>He doesn’t have to be nervous about overstepping your boundaries when there’s never been any between the two of you to begin with. You answer without skipping a beat.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>You turn your face slightly to see him better and smile brightly at him. You both giggle under your breaths like children.</p><p>“Okay, give me a moment.”</p><p>He leans back to twist his torso behind him, calling over a timid looking cadet and exchanging a few words with him. You press your palms together and shove them between your thighs to avoid shivering at the sudden loss of heat. Thankfully, he turns back around and wraps his left arm around your back, moving himself closer to return to his rightful place.</p><p>You watch the cadet return, giving Erwin a nod in confirmation. Erwin picks up both of your trays to put away and you slightly cringe remembering how lazy you used to let yourself be around Erwin. Truth be told, you were quite the moody person, but you never let it show around anyone besides him. Your energy levels were never reliable and some days, doing the most mundane tasks felt like hiking a mountain. You always forced yourself through them, but in your time with Erwin, he always let you fall and helped carry the weight on heavier days.</p><p>It’s hard to remember a lot about yourself, considering how little time you spent thinking about anyone other than him in the past years. But little did you know, that with each minute passed with him by your side, a chip was breaking off the rusted over person you were in that life. His presence was resurrecting that person, reminding her that that life time is now, and there’s nothing to be afraid of because he never plans on leaving her again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i should probably specify now i ~do not write smut~ im sorry! i know it might seem like that's where this is headed but intimacy is different for everyone and i would like to make this story fit for as many people as possible since it is a reader insert. it will be briefly implied at some point though, so you can just pretend like you did whatever you're comfortable with. i also don't like the idea that that's the only way to show love and attraction so i am hoping that i can convey those feelings through my writing instead. thank you all so much for the support! feel free to comment your thoughts, i would love to hear what you all think thus far.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. changes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Erwin returns from dropping off your trays, he excuses you both from the table and holds out his hand to  help you out of your seat. The gesture was unnecessary, but entirely welcome. He ignores Miche’s whistling and Hange’s overly excited reaction while you laugh at the display. You throw a nod over your shoulder at Levi, who appreciates the silent message of good luck.</p>
<p>Erwin leads you both out of the dining hall and towards his quarters. It’s a peaceful night and you wrap yourself around his arm for the comfort of sharing the same space. He takes his time. His stride is as steady as ever, but slowed, seemingly appreciating the tranquility of the scene as well. You look straight up into the stars as your eyes dilate to see every last twinkle in the sky, letting Erwin guide you blindly. They look brighter than usual, you note to yourself.</p>
<p>It’s not until you reach the steps up to his door that you tilt your head back down, suddenly feeling the strain of holding your head at such an angle. You stop in front of the first step and Erwin turns around to look at you in confusion. It’s childish and you know how immature it is, but Erwin has always been sturdy enough to balance it out. It’s too easy to let yourself slip back into your old, petulant ways.</p>
<p>So you pout and lean against his side like your body is too heavy to stand upright. He sighs in mock annoyance before cupping his hands under your thighs as you wring your arms around his neck with a noise of elation. You press your cold nose into his neck and feel an impending desire for sleep. You don’t open your eyes to look around as he unlocks the door, brushing it off as a task for the better rested version of yourself. You hear him open a set of what you assume to be sliding doors that lead into his actual bedroom. Before he turns around to shut them, you crack open your eyes to see a glimpse of his office.</p>
<p>He slowly bends over the bed to let you lie down but you cling to him in apprehension. You don’t think many other people would find it endearing, but Erwin is not other people. He just laughs into your hair before leaving a kiss on your forehead and gently untangles your arms from his neck. After he’s pulled away he quells the argument on your lips.</p>
<p>“I’m just going to get us some clothes to sleep in.” He pauses before looking down at your attire. “Unless you want to sleep in that.”</p>
<p>You huff at his sarcasm but can’t find a rebuttal. The pants you wore were sketchy, but way too form fitting for bed, so you allow him to shuffle through his wardrobe without complaint. As you watch him change, you roll over onto your stomach with your arms folded under your head. Everything you once loved about his physique has only been emphasized. His broad, straight shoulders that sit at the top of his cinched waist are even wider now. The muscles that used to be only toned are now carved and refined deeply under his skin. The shadows that fall beside his abdominals as he extends his torso to pull his shirt off are darker too. </p>
<p>The one thing about Erwin that would never change, is how he feels about you. </p>
<p>You watch him pull on a cotton t-shirt and strip down to his boxers before he goes to his dresser to pull out a larger, long sleeve t-shirt. It’s only when he goes to return back to you that he notices your admiring gaze. He smiles softly at you as he approaches, your eyes tracking his as he draws nearer. He delicately runs his fingers over your temple and down your cheek and to your lips. He squats down besides the bed to become eye level with you before giving you a ghost of a kiss. </p>
<p>“Do you want to get up and change?” He asks in a half whisper.</p>
<p>You shake your head slightly and he lets out a breath.</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>He used to do this for you all the time, on the nights you pretended to be exhausted and he entertained your dramatics. Nothings changed and he’s as delicate as ever as he slips the clothing off of you. You can tell his breath hitches when you’re left in your undergarments but he quickly recovers and continues. Not that you would mind if he did, but he typically didn’t display any signs of desire and want. You knew it was there, and he did too, but that was only a fragment of the emotions he held for you, so it was easy to brush off. You know you have changed quite a bit yourself and figure that that brief glimpse was Erwin coming to terms with it as well. </p>
<p>You close your eyes as he dresses you in his oversized shirt, fading away in his tickling touch and the safety of being taken care of. This is something that you would only let Erwin do, because he was your sanctuary, your escape from reality. After he finishes you hear him leave and go to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth and comes back with a spare in hand, already prepped with toothpaste. You decide to spare him the foam and spit and accept it swiftly, only getting up to spit in the sink and rinse your mouth.</p>
<p>When you raise your head from the basin of the sink groggily, you see him in the reflection beside you and you feel your heart start to plummet. Your mind automatically tries to warn you that he’s only a reflection, but it's caught in its descent, by the same pair of hands snaking around your waist. You exhale and turn around to rest your forehead against his chest, willingly accepting the truth that he was really there. With each heartbeat that echoes within his chest, the universe becomes just a little less unbearable. </p>
<p>You let yourself be guided back to bed, handing over any control of your movements to him as he lays you down under the covers first before joining you. His sheets feel softer than yours and the comforter feels denser, the comfortable weight only sending more drowsiness through your limbs. The best part however, is the way he pulls you on top of him, positioning the side of your head right over his heart. His left hand slips under your shirt to soothingly run his calloused palm along the length of your spine. His right cradles your face, along your jawline, with his finger tips massaging your scalp behind your ear. </p>
<p>Somehow, the pain of having to exist each day seems so far away, like a distant childhood memory stored amongst rubble. It felt so much smaller than it used to, becoming a minor inconvenience or a bump in the road. Because if that was all you had to go through just to be here again, then it really wasn’t so bad.</p>
<p>You both try to stay awake longer, to soak up everything about this moment. To take each detail and safely wrap it away to keep as a treasure forever. <em>This</em>, right here, was everything either of you would ever need to keep going. The tide that would sway you to make the sacrifices, to make the tough calls, to go through hell and back, as long as it meant that you could always come back to this. </p>
<p>This was living.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>Golden rays shine through the cracked open blinds and settle on your sleeping forms, as if their light is naturally drawn in your direction. In the night, you both slept the best you ever had since your youth, when even the humid summer evenings couldn’t keep you two from tangling yourselves within each other, if only to feel the warmth of the other’s skin. At some point, you shifted to lay facing each other on your sides, his arms hugging you into his chest. </p>
<p>As the sun creeps further in the sky, the beams eventually run over Erwin’s closed eyes seap past his lids, waking him from his deep slumber. When he has to remove a hand from your torso to shield his eyes from the light, he’s grateful that your back was facing the window. Reluctantly, he detaches himself from you and you mumble in dismay in your sleep. His heart pinches at the sight. </p>
<p>He gets up and fully closes the blinds, saving both of your eyes from the disturbance. He returns to the bed and plops down in the same spot, pulling you in even closer than before. An unknown amount of time passes with him in a drowsy, half asleep trance before you start to stir. He runs his hand down the back of your head, tracing the curve to your shoulder, before dotting kisses over your face. You scrunch your nose at the ticklish sensation before opening your eyes to the only picture you ever want to see. You're both still just recovering from a full night of uninterrupted sleep, something neither of you are used to. His eyes are cracked open, only enough to be able to see you and nothing more. His lashes are darker from the added moisture, his eyes always glazing over in his sleep. His breath is slow and full as it swirls amongst your own exhales.</p>
<p>You lay in silence, admiring the way each other’s features look when they lack the strain of responsibilities and high expectations. However, it’s interrupted by the unexpected thought that finds you, and you have never been able to think before you speak around Erwin. It’s like your mind knows that he’s the only one who deserves to hear all your thoughts unfiltered, and he would easily agree. </p>
<p>“I’m hungry.” You rasp out, your voice still unprepared to be used. Erwin looks at you and his eyes brighten at your proclamation. You feel confusion rising within yourself at your own words.</p>
<p>You and food have had an, uneasy relationship. Some days were easier than others, but you couldn’t stop the alarm that eating more than a few bites gave you. You have always hated eating in front of others, especially as a child. You would cry and wail and shove away anything presented to you. Of course, this stage sent your lone father into a panicked frenzy as you were quickly becoming malnourished. He took you to the town doctor and tried everything he could to make you eat, but you would only ever nibble on a cracker or two behind closed doors and that simply wasn’t enough for a growing child. </p>
<p>It wasn’t until he confided in his closest friend, Erwin’s father, while you two were on a playdate at his house. His father looked at yours strangely before telling him that Erwin had brought him a list of foods you liked and begged him to get them on his next grocery run so that he could bring them to you. He didn’t think it was a big deal, assuming that it was just another one of Erwin’s cute ways of spoiling you, and had never heard of you having problems eating from Erwin. </p>
<p>After discussing things further, your father decided to test their theory. He made the two of you lunch and let you eat together in “private”, aka with both of your fathers peeking through the cracked door. Low and behold, you ate without hesitation in front of Erwin, and when you made a pause that looked like you were going to stop, he simply poked your plate with a smile and you continued. The scene left both of your fathers briefly surprised before they shared a laugh over the fact that they should’ve known better. After that, your father secretly confided with Erwin and he helped the man shop for groceries the next day. </p>
<p>Erwin patiently helped you through your struggle without complaint, but it never disappeared completely. You only ate what would get you through the day and nothing more. Nerves secretly twisted in your gut if you ate in front of people. But it was extremely rare that you ever showed any signs of hunger or the desire to eat, much less say it out loud. <em>What had changed?</em> You internally ask yourself. As Erwin began showering you in a series of rapid fire kisses and your laughter sang through his ears, the question was subconsciously answered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>some fluff and comfort for you hehe. i just have a feeling that Erwin's love language would be touch and acts of service so that's how we ended up here. thank you all, as always, for the love and support. i love to read your comments so feel free to leave some &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. better and brighter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From the day he met you, he knew you would always be it for him. How he could’ve known from the measly age of one? That, he didn’t have an answer to, but that didn’t falter his conviction. With you, he was whole again, because you would forever and always be the sole keeper of his heart. The only person with the key to unlock his true self.</p>
<p>He had already come to terms with never being that person again. Already having grieved over the death of you and what you two once were, knowing he would never find anything resembling it again. To say he moved on would be a lie, because you weren’t someone to move on from. You were someone eternally rooted within every happy memory he ever had and the person he thought of in every aspect of life. When he needed an escape, he would always choose to think about the times spent with you, whether it was the evenings bathed in fading sunlight or the nights spent under your made up constellations. You were always his paradise.</p>
<p>It should’ve been harder to accept your return, most people would have a difficult time processing the sudden appearance of someone they thought to be dead for the last decade and a half. But he didn’t understand just how desperate he really was to have you back. The suppression of his longing was being held back by cracked glass and it shattered the second his eyes met yours. So, forgive him for being a little protective. You’re only the walking epitome of joy and a life worth living to him and he’ll be damned to let you slip through his hands again. </p>
<p>After you both dress into your clothes for the day, you head towards the dining hall for breakfast. Your eyes squint at the unexpected brightness of the sun, it is later in the morning than you assumed. You walk clinging to his arm, the comfortable silence coaxing you gently out of your sleepy state of mind. Before you enter the dining halls, you pause and he turns to look at you.</p>
<p>“Kiss me.”</p>
<p>The corner of his lips tilt up before they press themselves flush against yours. You both inhale, stealing air from each other as his hands move to cradle your face. You’re on your tippy toes and you balance yourself by holding the flaps of his jacket. Right as you think about pulling away, the dining hall doors burst open. Two cadets stand frozen in the doorway as they stare at you two in shock. It seems the disruption drew everybody else's attention as well.</p>
<p>“Ah! I mean-um, Commander! Sir! I apologize for the interruption!” The cadet with the buzz cut spits out while saluting. The other cadet, with the chestnut hair, follows his salute, but she seems to be chewing on something and doesn’t speak. </p>
<p>They stand in the tense silence and you realize you’re still leaning into Erwin, if he tried to move you’d most definitely stumble. So, you drop your feet flat and reluctantly lean off of him, but you’re quick to swiftly move into his side. Knowing you, he already moved his arm up for you to settle against him before resting it around your shoulders. He lightly laughs and waves their salutes off, but that just makes them more horrified. You duck your face into his side to hide your laugh.</p>
<p>“Just don’t go breaking all the doors off their hinges, Springer.” The cadet gulps before sheepishly scratching behind his head. They continue to stand awkwardly before Erwin raises a brow at them. It takes the two a minute to remember they’re still standing in the middle of the doorway, effectively blocking off the dining hall. </p>
<p>“Oh! Sorry Sir!” The cadet, Springer, says before stepping off to the side, dragging the other cadet with him. Erwin sends him a nod and a subtle smile before walking in the dining hall with you securely under his arm. As per usual, you’re too caught up in your own little world with Erwin to acknowledge the stares following you after that scene. </p>
<p>You both grab your food and Erwin bites back a toothy grin when he glances over and sees that you have the normal portion size on your plate instead of the reduced version. Walking back to the same spot as the night before, you greet only Hange and Levi, as Miche is nowhere to be seen. Breakfast goes by uneventfully but you can’t stop your heart from warming at how domestic it all feels. You laugh and finally admit to yourself that you’re quite fond of Hange. It’s obvious to you that Levi has a kind heart, he wouldn’t be Erwin’s right hand man if he didn’t. </p>
<p>The fact that a life like this still exists is astonishing to you. You had become so accustomed to dreading each day and drowning in pessimism that you completely erased the possibility of there being anything more out there. Now that you’re with Erwin, those things have highlighted themselves, giving you a whole new outlook on the world that’s been right in front of you this entire time. Erwin made this world worth living in. </p>
<p>After breakfast, you left together and unfortunately had to recognize your individual duties. Much to your dismay, life didn’t stop for the two of you, and he was the man responsible for this entire military branch. As selfish as you wanted to be, you knew he had obligations to uphold, even if you also knew he would throw them out the window if you just asked.</p>
<p>Your training doesn’t start for another 20 minutes, but you overheard that Erwin has a meeting right after breakfast. Still, he walks you to the area where you’ll be doing some hand-to-hand combat training. The look on his face tells you that it might be physically hurting him to let you go.</p>
<p>“I’ll come find you sometime, I swear.” He says solemnly as he cradles your face, slowly running his thumbs over the high point of your cheeks.</p>
<p>“Erwin it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere far. I’ll always be in walking distance.” Normally, you might’ve laughed at his reaction, but you know it’s out of residual fear. One that you still carry as well. You place your hands on top of his in reassurance. </p>
<p>“I don’t want you to worry about me, but I know you will regardless of what I say because I feel the same way about you. So, just do your job and complain in your head about how much you miss me and I’ll come find you. Cause I know you won’t have time to find me.”</p>
<p>“I’ll make time.”</p>
<p>“Now that doesn’t sound too responsible of you Commander.” You cheekily grin at him.</p>
<p>“I don’t care about any of that, I care about you.”</p>
<p>His loyalty doesn’t surprise you, but the thought of someone overhearing him speak in such a manner worries you. You know he’s a man of his word and his position makes that statement all the more threatening. If someone found out their Commander would blow off his duties for a single person, it wouldn’t reflect well on his reputation. </p>
<p>“Erwin, please.” You close your eyes and focus on the warmth of his hands. He recognizes the signal as your resignation, knowing that you don’t want to leave him as much as he doesn’t want to leave you. So, he reverts back into his role of being the more reasonable one, and sighs in defeat. His eyes open to meet yours simultaneously and the icy color is like finding a tall glass of water in the middle of the desert. He pulls away with a tender kiss to your forehead.</p>
<p>“I’ll wait for you.”</p>
<p>“I know.” And neither of you can help but laugh at how futile the words really are. If you didn’t have Erwin, you wouldn't believe in telepathy, but to this day you have yet to miscalculate any of his intentions or unsaid thoughts. You aimlessly kick at the dirt as you shyly duck your head, not wanting to be the first to walk away. </p>
<p>“I got to go.” <em>If I stay any longer, I’ll never leave.</em></p>
<p>You look up to him and sweetly grin at him, revealing the dimples on your cheeks that he loves so dearly. <em>Then stay.</em></p>
<p>He shakes his head as he pivots on his heel and starts walking away, hiding the boyish smile on his face. He waves a palm over his shoulder at you as he calls out.</p>
<p>“I should be in my office when you’re done.” Dragging out the last syllable teasingly. You giggle under your breath and head towards the group of gathering cadets up ahead.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>You rarely had the opportunity to engage in real life hand-to-hand combat, since you made such an effort to stay isolated, but that didn’t mean you didn’t stil train for it. Taking a humble looking route, you decide to let the others go before you as you study their techniques. The shift of weight from front to back, side to side, the baiting of an exaggerated movement, all the intricate details put into close range attacks. Specifically, your eye catches on Annie and Mikasa’s techniques, both different in their own ways, but extremely effective against larger opponents. Something you could afford to learn from. </p>
<p>Before you knew it, the only cadets remaining were yourself and Bertholdt, who you’ve come to learn as the perfect example of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’. You recall a time you noticed one of his straps hanging loose right as he was about to swing off a tree. Luckily, you were able to stop him before he could jump and he has been grateful ever since. He was surprisingly timid for his size, but clearly a very kind soul. Always politely offering you help, even though you both knew you didn’t need it. You remind him to give himself more credit, since the gentle giant thinks very lowly of capabilities despite his admirable skills. </p>
<p>He sheepishly looks over to you with the corner of his mouth quirking up. You nod with a faint smile of your own and step forward gracefully to meet him in the center of the human-made circle. Once the two of you are standing facing each other, a cadet calls out.</p>
<p>“I’m not dragging you back to our rooms after she kicks your ass Bert.”</p>
<p>Internally, you sigh. <em>Reiner</em>, he never gives Bertholdt a break, but you still find endearment in their friendship. The rest of the crowd turns into a muffle of snickers before Shadis interrupts.</p>
<p>“Enough.” And using that as your cue, you put your hands up and ready your stance. Bertholdt mimics you after wiping his palms off on his pants.</p>
<p>You purposely throw a sloppy punch for him to dodge, leaving the right side of your torso completely exposed. Knowing that he’s become more in tune with using his size to his advantage, you give him the opportunity to knock you down. You watch as he notices the opening and goes to body slam your side. However, your fast reflexes and flexibility work in tangent and you dodge the attack right before its impact. Having put his full weight into the maneuver, the lack of contact sends him off balance and vulnerable. With one strong kick to the back of his already bent knees, he stumbles to his knees and hands. You use your foot to press his chest into the dirt before turning around and sitting on his upper back with your feet holding down his forearms. The entire battle lasted a whole 8 seconds.</p>
<p>You feel Bertholdt let out a defeated breath before Shadis announces you as the winner. As you stand up, you turn around to help him to his feet. His head hangs lowly when he comes to his full height and a breeze of guilt passes through you. You gently flick under his chin with your index finger, bringing his chin up to look you in the eyes.</p>
<p>“You did good, you know. I only predicted what you would do because of our training together.” You say as you brush the visible dust and dirt off his shoulders.</p>
<p>“Thank you, I was just hoping that I’d be able to give you a harder time than that.” He says with a flustered grin as he scratches his cheek.</p>
<p>“I was betting on you taking my advice about using your body weight better, now we just need to work on control.” You finalize your reassurance as each of your hands, one on each of his shoulders, give two pats before returning back to your sides. His face brightens at your words and you both move to stand with the rest of the cadets. </p>
<p>The rest of the time is spent practicing. Everyone either partners up or observes someone else. You considered asking Mikasa or Annie to practice with you, but the other cadets were eager to have you watch them. You don’t mind because it is still productive to identify the weaknesses in people during combat. Eren asks you first, so you watch as he sprawls with Jean. About a minute passes before Armin taps your shoulder.</p>
<p>“Hey y/n, uh, I don’t know if you’re watching Eren fight for entertainment purposes, but I thought I’d let you know that they’re actually fighting right now. Eren originally asked Reiner to practice with him before him and Jean got into this quarrel.” He glances away in embarrassment for his friend, who is currently on the ground with Jean tangled in a mess of limbs. </p>
<p>You try to hold it in at first, but then you think, <em>what’s the point?</em> So you laugh, and the elegant tone reaches everyone’s ears as they watch in awe. You tilt your closed eyes towards the sun and let go of any tension remaining in your body, because the two dorks in front of you never fail to amuse you. And in this moment, you allow yourself to admit that you’ve grown quite fond of just about everyone in your class. It feels like this life has just recently opened back up to you, giving you access to all the beautiful things it has to offer. Of course, you’re especially grateful for the sandy haired Commander, who carries the moon in his eyes and the sun in his heart. The man who makes all your days and nights worth living</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahh, i think i like this chapter, who knows. maybe i'll wake up tomorrow and hate it. anyways, im super sorry for the slower updates, im also working on a super lengthy (and angsty) sakuatsu fic so if there's any fellow haikyuu friends reading this, stay tuned! a repeat reminder: the reader's affection towards the other cadets is motherly, she is only a year younger than Erwin so keep that in mind. no love triangles in this fic! thanks a million for your support and patience, as always, it means the world to me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. i hope you're listening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s late afternoon when you get done with training and you have about an hour and a half to spare before dinner. You’re walking with Eren, Armin, Mikasa, and Jean as they all banter about today’s lesson. Normally, Mikasa holds herself in a similar manner to your own, just more rigid and conserved. You notice however, the way she keeps readjusting the scarf around her neck and the fleeting glances she’s sending your direction. You fall back a stride to let Eren, Armin, and Jean walk ahead a few paces and they’re too caught up in conversation to question it.</p>
<p>Deciding to give her the opportunity to talk first, you walk side by side for a minute. If anything, she looks even more tense than before, like she’s ready for you to attack her at any second. </p>
<p>“What did you think about training today Mikasa?” You keep your eyes on Jean’s shoulders and you note how they’ve grown broader. <em>As if these kids need to grow anymore.</em> Out of your peripherals, you watch as her shoulders rise and fall with her exhale before she answers.</p>
<p>“I thought it was beneficial for most of us. It’s good to be prepared for various types of opponents.”</p>
<p>“Beneficial for most, but not you?” </p>
<p>She turns to look at you directly and seems surprised that you picked up on her choice of words that easily. <em>Takes one to know one.</em> The edge of your lips quirks up as you let her reel in her thoughts.</p>
<p>“When you’re as talented of a soldier as you are Mikasa, you don’t have to be so humble. It’s okay to admit that our regular regime isn’t as challenging for you. I doubt anyone would be surprised by that statement.” You understand where she’s coming from, especially because of your experience. It’s why you have the time to help out so many of your fellow cadets and not fall behind. She ponders over your words and you walk in comfortable silence as you wait for her response.</p>
<p>“So how do you keep improving?” She asks, and the lack of an immediate response makes her continue out of fear that she offended you.</p>
<p>“You’ve always had an abundant amount of skill and experience, but even so, your growth has only been exponential. I wanted to know what you do to keep improving even though our class can’t offer much advice or assistance.”</p>
<p>You understood what she meant initially, but her added explanation only makes you smile. It’s rare to see her in a flustered state and you know you’ll probably never see it again, so you take your time formulating a proper response.</p>
<p>“I think I still benefit greatly from our peers. Helping them makes me think in different ways strategically and working out their faults also points out the different things I might want to be more cognisant of as well.” You let your words sink in as she mulls over them.</p>
<p>“However, I have found that the things that seem miniscule or obsolete are the very things that build the foundation of a good soldier. Sure, I might not walk away completely exhausted everyday after training, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t gain something from it. As far as what I do outside of our training, it’s a pretty standard workout regime I do individually, but I never skip a day and I always take time to stretch thoroughly before and after.” You can practically see her taking mental notes as you speak and your smile stretches just a bit further.</p>
<p>“ I also read as much as I can and Armin has been especially helpful in that department. He’s always bringing me books that I know for a fact I would never pick on my own, but they’re incredibly useful. It’s the difference in perspective that brings me outside my comfort zone and the sooner you realize that, the more you’ll unlock. Everyone has a lens of their own and by interacting with various types of people, I get to see things in a new light every time.” You continue walking and you realize the tension has dropped out of her posture.</p>
<p>“I’d never thought of it like that before.”</p>
<p>“See what I mean? There’s always something <em>more</em> to be discovered. You just have to be open enough to see it.” She hums in acknowledgment and she reverts back into her old self as she responds.</p>
<p>“Thank you y/n, it’s reassuring to have someone like you to fight side by side with.”</p>
<p>“Anytime.” And before you go to catch up with the rest of them, Eren turns around and gives you both a questioning glance. His eyes dart between you and Mikasa in suspicion, which causes Jean to turn and look at him when he doesn’t respond to whatever conversation they were having previously. </p>
<p>You don’t know what causes the mischievous thought, but you don’t waste any time overthinking it. You turn to Mikasa and the only warning she gets is your chastire grin before your hand pats her backside in encouragement and she lets out a sound of surprise. You jog forwards until you’re in between Jean and Armin and you loop one arm in each of theirs. Ever so casually, you pull them with you as you continue ahead, leaving Eren and Mikasa to walk with each other.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>It is relatively easy to remember where Erwin’s office was and as you approach the door, you can hear multiple voices speaking. You hesitate to knock as your hand pauses in the air and it drops as you decide against interrupting whatever conservation they were having. Before you can turn around to leave, another presence joins you.</p>
<p>“All they’re doing is wasting our time in there so if you’re worried about interrupting something, don’t be.” </p>
<p>You turn to see Captain Levi walking towards the door before he pauses in front of you.</p>
<p>“Is that why you’re out here instead?” The question comes out before you realize that it could’ve come off as rude, considering he’s your Captain. But thankfully, Levi doesn’t seem to interpret it that way and just scoffs instead. </p>
<p>“Couldn’t stand to be in that room any longer without slamming one of their heads into the table.”</p>
<p>You lightly giggle in appreciation for his bluntness as it’s always refreshing to hear someone say things for how they are.</p>
<p>“Well, I guess I’ll go in there and try to save you both then.” You say with a soft smile as your hand wraps around the door knob. You hear Levi wishing you good luck as you push the door open. </p>
<p>Erwin and a few unrecognizable faces turn as you confidently step into the room.</p>
<p>“Commander Erwin, I apologize for the intrusion, but it appears that something has come up that requires your immediate attention.” The lie flows off your lips smoothly and goes entirely unsuspected by the guests. </p>
<p>Erwin manages to suppress the smile that threatens to blow your cover as he turns to address the men around him.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid we will have to cut things short for today, but I will be thinking over what we discussed until the next time we meet.” Erwin says as he rises from his seat and the rest follow swiftly, murmuring their thanks as they filter out of the door you left open behind you. When they’re all gone and out of hearing range, you relax a little.</p>
<p>“Huh, that was easier than I expected.”</p>
<p>“Idiots, they’re all idiots.” Levi says slightly under his breath. “You’ll officially be my favorite cadet if you can do that every time.”</p>
<p>“Unfortunately, I only think that will work for the first twenty times before they get suspicious.” You jokingly respond, and the hum from Levi almost sounds like a laugh before he turns to leave with a lazy wave over his shoulder. He shuts the door as he exits, giving you and Erwin much wanted privacy. You walk over and fall into his lap like your bones had suddenly turned into jello and he chuckles at your behavior.</p>
<p>“Well hello to you too.”</p>
<p>In response, you turn your head so your nose can safely burrow into his collarbone. You both stay like that until you feel that your energy has been replenished.</p>
<p>“I missed you.” The words are unneeded, but you still felt the urge to say them. It’s like you need the universe to hear the yearning in your tone and understand how you truly can’t function without him. You dot kisses into his neck and jaw and he lets himself be bathed in your affection.</p>
<p>“Have you been to the stables yet?” </p>
<p>You stop your administrations to look at him directly as he catches your interest. </p>
<p>“No actually. I’ve only ridden on missions now that I think about it.”</p>
<p>“Would you like to go down with me? There’s something I want to show you.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” </p>
<p>And he smiles as he can feel the excitement and curiosity radiating off of you.</p>
<p>“But first.” You lean forwards to press your lips together in an unrushed kiss. When you pull away, you admire his features for one more second before you jump out of his lap and hold out a hand for him to take. He chuckles at your newfound giddiness and leads you both out to the stables.</p>
<p>~~~~~</p>
<p>You’ve always loved animals and that fact places itself in the forefront of Erwin’s mind as he watches you dote on every horse you pass by. They’re all well trained, but they appear to be more relaxed when they're not in the middle of a battlefield. The other horses ears pique in interest as you approach each one of them. You softly coo and whisper cute praises to them as you pet their neck and let them lick your hand. Your head whips back and forth between the horse and Erwin and he swears that your eyes are actually sparkling. It’s the most adorable sight, and as his heart attempts to beat out of his chest, Erwin silently thinks to himself that this might be what heaven is like for him.  </p>
<p>When you reach the end of the stables, you notice a bigger stall without a horse peeking out the top. You turn your head to Erwin in confusion and he just shrugs and gestures you towards the stall. As you step closer and look down inside, you see that there’s actually two horses inside. One is a foal with an all white coat while the mother is more grey toned. You gasp at how small the foal is and you guess that he’s only been born sometime today. </p>
<p>Erwin opens the stall door for you to step inside and the foal runs behind his mother. You crouch down to seem less threatening and make kissy noises in an attempt to gain his attention.</p>
<p>“Here, try this.” Erwin holds out a bottle of milk and you can see the foal straighten at the sight of it. </p>
<p>You hold it out and lightly shake it in front of you and he slowly steps over to you. Eventually, his hunger overtakes his safety precautions and he drinks directly out of the bottle in your hand. You giggle and gently pet down his back as he all but chugs the liquid down, spilling some in the process.</p>
<p>“His mother is unlikely to make it. She won’t let him nurse at all and she should’ve at least tried to stand by now.” Erwin quietly notes as he watches the mother with remorseful eyes. </p>
<p>You take your eyes away from the foal to properly take in his mother’s condition. Unfortunately, the image only coincides with his theory. She’s lying down completely and the rise and fall of her body indicates that her breathing is labored. Your heart sinks at the truth.</p>
<p>After a few more minutes, he finishes the bottle and Erwin takes it from you to put back. The foal easily warmed up to you and now you carefully approach the mother. You lean against the stall wall as you sit behind her head and stroke down her neck. The foal switches his focus to Erwin as he trots around him and rubs his side against his upper leg. You smile as you watch the playful scene, sending your solace to the mother in the soft caresses of your palm. Eventually, Erwin comes to join you and the last thing you remember before nodding off to sleep is the sound of gentle breathing and moths circling the dim lamp above.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi friends, my life is only going to get progressively busier but i am super determined to write this fic in a timely manner. i appreciate everyone who reads this fic so so much! feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments, all of your kind words truly make my day.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A handful of weeks dance by; the time spent in Erwin’s company whenever possible. Even though a man of his position couldn’t afford it, mornings were still spent lazily in a half-dream-like state, drawn out and stretched thin. Eventually, he would peel himself away from you with the promise of his return and you’d whine until the door shut behind him. But you couldn’t deny the way you loved to watch him work, to witness him lead people and instill hope where there was none. You knew this was where he belonged.</p><p>Your relationship with the Commander didn’t go unnoticed, but it didn’t stir up any controversy. Jokingly, you credited it to the fear of Erwin’s wrath and chastised the man for his RBF. Which then prompted you to explain the acronym to him and his laughter rang throughout the room followed by, “I think Levi beats me in that category”.</p><p>Or maybe it brought people peace, knowing that even in a world like this, there was still love. That even their ever-so stoic Commander could find someone who cracked a smile across his face.</p><p>Graduation was approaching and that meant missions were only going to get increasingly more dangerous. Before, that risk would pass by and leave you completely unphased. But the thought of death didn’t motivate you to run towards it anymore. Now it meant losing Erwin, again, and that only brought an onslaught of nausea and the urge to hide away in the safety of his arms. </p><p>But the time you’ve spent with your comrades has given you another reason to fight that’s not out of sheer stubbornness and self-loathing. You would do it for Erwin, for them, and humanity. Because the nights you fell asleep to Erwin’s voice of timber were only failed attempts at listening to him forever. He spoke of a life outside the walls, full of new people and things unheard of. All his words were weighted in fascination while his eyes were half-lidded with ambition. </p><p>~</p><p>
  <em>“Maybe in that life, we could get married.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A childlike grin grew along your face even as sleep threatened to take you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We could have kids, if you wanted-”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“If they were with you, then of course I’d want kids.” You said without hesitation or doubt. And his smile mirrored yours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That night, you dreamt of Erwin playing with children who shared both of your features.</em>
</p><p>~</p><p>It was not your ego that fuelled you to talk to Shadis, but the blatant advantage you had over the teens, some of which hadn’t seen a titan until coming here. Your instincts proved to be within reason because you were set to hold first rank in your class. You knew just how hard everyone has been working and it didn’t feel right to take a place at the top when you’ve had over a decade to refine your abilities. So after a brief discussion, Shadis agreed to exclude you from the top 10. </p><p>Graduation came and an unknown part of you felt emotional looking at the line up. All of whom you knew dearly and who would later shower you in their appreciation. A smile pulled at the corners of your mouth when an emerald eyed boy looked over his shoulder at you. </p><p>That night would go down as one of the best, alongside people you’ve spent the last years with under the scorching sun and in sweat sticked uniforms. There was laughter and jokes and you may or may not have slipped some of them a drink or two. Which caused you all to breach a certain unspoken topic.</p><p>“Y/n! Why are you the only one of us passing off as old enough to drink?” Connie said with his chin in his palm as he stared at nothing with a scowl on his face. Silence quickly spread throughout the table as the rest of the cadets sent each other questioning glances and mouthed words. Holding back a sigh, you respond.</p><p>“Connie, just how old do you think I am?” You tried your best to sound genuine, but you saw Reiner muffle a laugh in his hand.</p><p>At the question, the shaven head perked up as he began to ponder.</p><p>“Uh, well...We’re all what? 17? So seventeen I guess.” He says with a shrug. </p><p>Jean puts his head in his hands and mumbles incoherent phrases as Marco reassuringly pats his back. Reiner is barely keeping it together while Bertholdt hushes him and Annie and Mikasa only look at Connie with what could be described as wonder. Christa is giggling, Ymir is shaking her head, Armin is fidgeting with his food, and Eren is sitting aloofly by your side. </p><p>“Are youf goin ta tell himf if he’s wight?” A certain burgundy ponytail mumbles out as food particles fly from her stuffed mouth. Her and Connie exchange confused looks as everyone around them watches in a mix of awe and utter disappointment. </p><p>You look to Eren for any words of wisdom and he purposefully scratches his face in the other direction. </p><p>“Connie, Sasha, how old do you think Commander Erwin is?” You asked with a slight tilt of your head.</p><p>“I don’t know, 30? 40 something? Why?”</p><p>Even Armin let out a sigh.</p><p>“You understand that the Commander and I are in a relationship, right?”</p><p>The wide, owlish blinks told you otherwise. A few seconds passed before the two of them belted out in unison.</p><p>“YOU ARE?!”</p><p>And with that, all composure was lost and the table burst out in laughter and tears.</p><p>“You two literally opened the door on them kissing and you didn’t connect the dots?” Jean asks in exasperation.</p><p>“I thought that was just a quick peck? Some families do that, I don’t judge.” Connie said with his hands up in defense. </p><p>“FAMILY?!” This time it was the rest of the table’s turn to shout out in unison, besides Sasha, who was still eating but now with an even more confused look on her face.</p><p>“I think I’m going to be sick.”</p><p>“You really think the Commander would knock someone up as a teen?”</p><p>“The disrespect.”</p><p>“There’s no hope for you two.”</p><p>A variety of statements were let out in varying levels of disappointment. Eventually, you decided to cut the poor souls some slack.</p><p>“Connie, I’m 34.” </p><p>Another wave of silence passes.</p><p>“Damn, you’re hot as hell for 34 then.” Sasha says, this time having fully swallowed her food, for once.</p><p>Subtle noises of agreement and slight head nods are shared between the cadets and all you can do is shake your head. </p><p>“I would have to agree with you on that, Braus.” You don’t have to turn around to know who it is behind you. The new arrival snakes a hand under your chin to give him better access to your forehead, where he places a light kiss. You don’t resist the bright smile his sudden presence brings you and you let your gazes linger as you stare at him through your eyelashes.</p><p>“You know, now that I think about it, they don’t really look related either.” That earns him a spoon to the face, a slap to the back of his head, and a string of reprimands from the table. Erwin looks at you in question but you just shake your head in response. <em>Long story.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>please read the updated tags! i've decided to include more plots of the manga/anime so spoiler warning! thank you all for your patience and i'm sorry for the short chapter. i wanted to end it here before things got...well...chaotic lol.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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